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In many parts of the world, the incidence of crimes for young people is increasing. Why is this case happening? How should children or teenagers be punished? v.1

In many parts of the world, the incidence of crimes for young people is increasing. Why is this case happening? How should children or teenagers be punished? v. 1
Though the motto of every profession is to serve the nation more proactively, it is argued that some specific occupations such as doctors, nurses and teachers should be highly valued by paying extra salaries because of their more beneficial contribution to the society than the athletes and famous sportsmen. However, I would strongly consent to this notion because these high payable careers can ensure revolutionary success for any civilization. To commence with, it is undoubtedly true that the contribution of doctors and nurses is indispensable for the human being. With the help of sophisticated modern technology, the mortality rate is possible to be diminished only because of developments in medical science. Furthermore, many complicated diseases such as ulcers, diabetes, etc. are cured more progressively which was entirely unimaginable in the past years. Therefore, the doctors and nurses would be devoted to their valuable occupation vigorously if they are treated with a higher value. Secondly, as teaching is known as a noble profession, they are certainly an inevitable part of any nation. This is because they can ascertain a smooth career for the students with their cognitive knowledge, and thus, they can emerge an educated nation that can progress tremendously. So, while teachers can be a key player for any civil society, their devotion should be assessed with high respect. However, some people claim that athletes and famous sportsmen hold significant contributions to society. The main reason regarding this is that when they bring any triumph in world competitions, it is also an overwhelming accomplishment for the country as well. However, though their engagement in the development of society is mentionable, their involvement is considerably less momentous than other occupations. In conclusion, though sports celebrities can play a significant role in the development of society, doctors, nurses, and teachers are vital players to flourish in any community enormously.
Though the motto of every profession is to serve the nation more
proactively
, it
is argued
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
specific occupations such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
and teachers should be
highly
valued by paying extra salaries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their more beneficial contribution to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
than the athletes and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
sportsmen.
However
, I would
strongly
consent to this notion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these high payable careers can ensure revolutionary success for any civilization.

To commence with, it is
undoubtedly
true that the contribution of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
is indispensable for the human being. With the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of sophisticated modern technology, the mortality rate is possible to
be diminished
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of developments in medical science.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
complicated diseases such as ulcers, diabetes, etc.
are cured
more
progressively
which was
entirely
unimaginable in the past years.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
would
be devoted
to their valuable occupation
vigorously
if they
are treated
with a higher value.

Secondly
, as teaching
is known
as a noble profession, they are
certainly
an inevitable part of any nation. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can ascertain a smooth career for the students with their cognitive knowledge, and
thus
, they can emerge an educated nation that can progress
tremendously
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, while teachers can be a key player for any civil
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, their devotion should
be assessed
with high respect.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that athletes and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
sportsmen hold significant contributions to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. The main reason regarding this is that when they bring any triumph in world competitions, it is
also
an overwhelming accomplishment for the country
as well
.
However
, though their engagement in the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is mentionable, their involvement is
considerably
less momentous than other occupations.

In conclusion
, though sports celebrities can play a significant role in the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
, and teachers are vital players to flourish in any community
enormously
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay In many parts of the world, the incidence of crimes for young people is increasing. Why is this case happening? How should children or teenagers be punished? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
307 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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