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New technologies and ways of buying and selling are transforming the lives of consumers. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.1

New technologies and ways of buying and selling are transforming the lives of consumers. with this opinion? v. 1
It has been obvious that there is a wide variety of natural qualities between males and females. Therefore, there is a common belief that men are more competitive than women because of their nature. I partially concur with this sentiment because there are natural and external influences on them. This will be further shown by analyzing men’s commitments as an external influential factor in their mindset and their natural physical skills influence. To begin with, men think competitively as a result of their commitments. They are involved in many business and family obligations which motivate them to achieve their targets. For example, many high-qualified middle-aged men, in Egypt, compete to get the leadership positions in their corporations due to its benefits. These benefits ensure a career with prospects to them as well as meet their families’ needs. Hence, responsibilities play an incentive factor on their way of thinking. On the other hand, natural physical differences between males and females encourage them to be quite competitive than women. To clarify, a myriad of men are well-built naturally and this encourage them to show off their physical skills and enjoy the sense of personal success. To illustrate, a recent study by the Gulf Cooperation Council (GCC) which founds that about 80% of Arabian athletic men participate in one-on-one sport competitions, whereas the same percentage of Arabian sportswomen compete in team sports. As this example shown, unless they have their well-built qualities, they could not compete individually. Hence, men’s physical skills motivate them to be naturally competitive than women. In conclusion, having demonstrated the above-mentioned explanations of men’s competitive character, it seems to me that men think and behave competitively due to external influence namely their responsibilities. However, their nature as a well-built creature makes them naturally incline to be competitive.
It has been obvious that there is a wide variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
qualities between males and females.
Therefore
, there is a common belief that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
than women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their nature. I
partially
concur with this sentiment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
and external influences on them. This will be
further
shown by analyzing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men’s
commitments as an external influential factor in their mindset and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
influence.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
competitively
as a result
of their commitments. They
are involved
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
business and family obligations which motivate them to achieve their targets.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
high-qualified middle-aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
, in Egypt, compete to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the leadership positions in their corporations due to its benefits. These benefits ensure a career with prospects to them
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their families’ needs.
Hence
, responsibilities play an incentive factor on their way of thinking.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
differences between males and females encourage them to be quite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
than women. To clarify, a myriad of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "is"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'are' is not always incorrect.)
are
well-built
naturally
and
The verb 'encourage' is plural. Did you mean: "this encourages"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
this encourage
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and enjoy the sense of personal success. To illustrate, a recent study by the Gulf Cooperation Council (GCC) which founds that about 80% of Arabian athletic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
participate in one-on-one sport competitions, whereas the same percentage of Arabian sportswomen compete in team sports. As this example shown, unless they have their well-built qualities, they could not compete
individually
.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
motivate them to be
naturally
Use "(competitive)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
competitive
than women.

In conclusion
, having demonstrated the above-mentioned explanations of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
character, it seems to me that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
and behave
competitively
due to external influence
namely
their responsibilities.
However
, their nature as a well-built creature
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
naturally
incline to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay New technologies and ways of buying and selling are transforming the lives of consumers. with this opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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