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In many countries, young people leave rural areas to study or work in cities. What do you think are reasons of these? Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

In many countries, young people leave rural areas to study or work in cities. What do you think are reasons of these? Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
These days it seems that more rural young people are a migration to urban areas than ever before. Under 30 years old people think that cities offer more opportunities. I would argue that the overall impact of this trend has in fact been negative. Some of the primary drawbacks associated with this issue are as follows. First of all, it is an indisputable fact that the city has more job possibilities than the rural area. People who live in villages can just work as a teacher, doctor or peasant. Moreover, life degree and an amount of salary is considerably low than the city. For example, in Kazakhstan doctor who works in villages ambulance earn 100-150 dollar per month while city hospital surgery or therapist’s salary is about 1000 dollars. Consequently, students do not to come back their villages after the university for 100 dollars. Another contributing factor that is more developing countries tend to pour more money to built modern architectures in cities and organize summits, sports events. As a result, the rural area population suffers and villages’ life level is decreasing. Unfortunately, this trend is a tremendous stroke for the country and the whole world. This influx leads to overpopulation and pollution in cities. Moreover, the city is not balloon and has an area limit. If the number of inhabitants in the city goes up, the government faces with dwelling and staple problems. As a result, the poverty level enhances in the country. Even more disturbing fact that nation GDP deteriorates since rural area offers staples such as drain and meet. To sum up, the challenges presented by the leaving the rural area are numerous and complex. This trend aggravates nations economy, therefore, the authority must salvage and open more work places in the rural area.
These days it seems that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are a migration to urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. Under 30 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
offer more opportunities. I would argue that the
overall
impact of this trend has in fact been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
primary drawbacks associated with this issue are as follows.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is an indisputable fact that the city has more job possibilities than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
villages
can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
work as a teacher, doctor or peasant.
Moreover
, life degree and an amount of salary is
considerably
Use "lower" to make a comparison with this adjective.
low
than the city.
For example
, in Kazakhstan doctor who works in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
villages
ambulance earn 100-150 dollar per month while city hospital surgery or therapist’s salary is about 1000 dollars.
Consequently
, students do not to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
villages
after the university for 100 dollars. Another contributing factor
that is
more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
tend to pour more money to built modern architectures in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
and organize summits, sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
population suffers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
villages’
life level is decreasing.

Unfortunately, this trend is a tremendous stroke for the country and the whole world. This influx leads to overpopulation and pollution in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
Moreover
, the city is not balloon and has an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
limit. If the number of inhabitants in the city goes up, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
faces with dwelling and staple problems.
As a result
, the poverty level enhances in the country. Even more disturbing fact that nation GDP deteriorates since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
offers staples such as drain and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
.

To sum up, the challenges presented by the leaving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
are numerous and complex. This trend aggravates nations economy,
therefore
, the authority
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
salvage and open more work places in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries, young people leave rural areas to study or work in cities. What do you think are reasons of these? Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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