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In many countries women no longer feel the need to get married. Some people believe that this is because women are able to earn their own income and therefore do not require the financial security that marriage can bring. To what extent do you agree? v.7

In many countries women no longer feel the need to get married. Some people believe that this is because women are able to earn their own income and therefore do not require the financial security that marriage can bring. v. 7
In many countries, females no longer sense the urge to tie a knot. Some folks think that women are not planning to wed because women are becoming more self-sufficient and they are the breadwinners of their own. Thus, the financial prosperity that marriage can bring is no longer a momentous factor for them. I partly agree with the given statement as there are more reasons for this reluctance. The importance of financial security for women's wedding used to be inevitable but Nowadays, with the economic development throughout the world and the rise of job opportunities and living costs, most of the women are going to work and have a decent income. Therefore, they care less about livelihood as a pivotal factor for marriage and put their concentration mostly on their career or studies. There are also some other reasons for this unwillingness. For instance, they can be over expectations for women and loss of freedom. Because before marriage, there are no restrictions on girls to go outside their home. Also, they can do anything which they want. But after the merger, ladies have to follow the norms of another home. It also puts pressure on the female person’s mind regarding their duties towards her in-laws-family. For example, according to a survey, women did not want to marry because another family did not wanted them to continue their job so, they neglected to get married. On the other hand, a wedding is a beautiful relationship between two souls and families. Furthermore, both the partners support each other as well as, they share their emotions or feelings with each other. Due to it, their understandability is increased which leads to a happy life. To conclude, my firm conviction is that the main reason for this reluctance is women's Self-sufficiency but it is not only the factor that they don’t feel the need to get married.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, females no longer sense the urge to tie a knot.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
folks
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are not planning to wed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are becoming more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
self-sufficient and
they are the breadwinners of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
Thus
, the financial prosperity that marriage can bring is no longer a momentous factor for them. I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement as there are more reasons for this reluctance.

The importance of financial security for women's wedding
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be inevitable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but


Nowadays, with the economic development throughout the world and the rise of job opportunities and living costs, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are going to work and have a decent income.
Therefore
, they care less about livelihood as a pivotal factor for marriage and put their concentration
mostly
on their career or studies. There are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
reasons for this unwillingness.
For instance
, they can be over expectations for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and loss of freedom.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
marriage, there are no restrictions on girls to go outside their home.
Also
, they can do anything which they want.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
after the merger, ladies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
follow the norms of another home. It
also
puts pressure on the female person’s mind regarding their duties towards her in-laws-family.
For example
, according to a survey,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
did not want to marry
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
another family did not
The verb 'did' requires the base form of the verb: "want"
wanted
them to continue their job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, they neglected to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, a wedding is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
relationship between two souls and families.
Furthermore
, both the partners support each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
, they share their emotions or feelings with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. Due to it, their understandability
is increased
which leads to a happy life.

To conclude
, my firm conviction is that the main reason for this reluctance is women's

Self-sufficiency
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the factor that they don’t feel the need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries women no longer feel the need to get married. Some people believe that this is because women are able to earn their own income and therefore do not require the financial security that marriage can bring. v. 7

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
313 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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