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Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men. v. 1
Some say that occupations such as paramilitary, constables, reserve force should consist of an equal number of female and male, while others would argue that these jobs are not appropriate for women. In my opinion, women are equally strong and matured as men to be in such occupations. On the one hand, those who believe that women are not compatible for armed forces and such occupations think that they are not physically strong as men because this job involves a lot of physical and tiring duties. Moreover, in this profession, one needs to be prepared for any contingency and actions that may involve encountering with criminals or terrorist as such. Therefore, with a narrower approach, few believe women are not at par with men in such professions. On the other hand, few believe that women and men deserve equal opportunity across all the sectors as we are egalitarian society and women deserves the place in paramilitary and such related positions. Nowadays, women are participating in all kind of physical activities and meeting the standards criteria to be in such occupation. Furthermore, such a position requires high-level tactics and conscious mind that is comparatively more present in females than males. Taking World war II as an example, there were 35% of women who got into a warzone on behalf of their country. This shows how a woman can fit into such tough and hard posts. In conclusion, nowadays women are getting stronger and meeting the standard criteria required to be eligible for such positions. Therefore, in my opinion, women should also be welcomed to pursue a career as police, army or investigative officer.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
say that occupations such as paramilitary, constables, reserve force should consist of an equal number of female and male, while others would argue that these jobs are not appropriate for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
equally
strong and matured as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
to be in such occupations.

On the one hand, those who believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are not compatible for armed forces and such occupations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they are not
physically
strong as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this job involves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
physical and tiring duties.
Moreover
, in this profession, one needs to
be prepared
for any contingency and actions that may involve encountering with criminals or terrorist as such.
Therefore
, with a narrower approach, few believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are not at par with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in such professions.

On the other hand
, few believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
deserve equal opportunity across all the sectors as we are egalitarian society and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
deserves the place in paramilitary and such related positions. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are participating in all kind of physical activities and meeting the standards criteria to be in such occupation.
Furthermore
, such a position requires high-level tactics and conscious mind
that is
comparatively
more present in females than males. Taking
Capitalize specific historic events, episodes, and eras.
World war II
as an example, there were 35% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
into a
Possible spelling mistake found.
warzone
on behalf of their country. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
how a woman can fit into such tough and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
posts.

In conclusion
, nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are getting stronger and meeting the standard criteria required to be eligible for such positions.
Therefore
, in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
also
be welcomed
to pursue a career as police, army or investigative officer.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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