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In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society? v.7

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society? v. 7
With the advancement of science and medicine, people are enjoying a longer life than before and in many countries, people are well aware of the population growth and as a result having only one kid or two. These reasons lead the fact that in many countries, the proportion of older people is growing faster. This has both the positive and negative effects. At first, older people are more experienced and can contribute largely by counselling the young generation. There are some professions like teaching where an experienced teacher can be more benevolent than a young teacher. Again, older people are the witness of the history and they can reveal the past to us more practically than others. Finally, since young members of a family are busy outside and cannot manage time to share with kids, so the older people can be good companions to those kids and can help them to raise in a family environment rather than in a day-care- centre. On the contrary, in some society older people are considered to be burden especially in those areas where people suffer from extreme poverty. Older people require more attention and extra care and the touch of relatives. But because of generation gap and poverty, they are often ignored and that's a horrible experience for them. Again, naturally aged people can't do much physical labour and that's why they have fewer practical contributions to the society compared to their young counterparts. Considering all the issues, though it might seem little harsh but  I think that a considerable portion of older people can be helpful for all of us but if it's reach to an extreme proportion then it's a bad omen both for the new generation and the old people themselves.
With the advancement of science and medicine,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are enjoying a longer life than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are well aware of the population growth and
as a result
having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one kid or two. These reasons lead the fact that in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is growing faster. This has both the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects.

At
first
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more experienced and can contribute
largely
by counselling the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
professions like teaching where an experienced teacher can be more benevolent than a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
teacher. Again,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are the witness of the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
history and
they can reveal the past to us more
practically
than others.
Finally
, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
members of a family are busy outside and cannot manage time to share with kids,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
companions to those kids and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to raise in a family environment
rather
than in a day-care-
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
.

On the contrary
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
society
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are considered
to be burden
especially
in those areas where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffer from extreme poverty.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
require more attention and extra care and the touch of relatives.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of generation gap and poverty, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
and that's a horrible experience for them. Again,
naturally
aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can't do much physical
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
and that's why they have fewer practical contributions to the society compared to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
counterparts.

Considering all the issues, though it might seem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
harsh
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that a considerable portion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be helpful for all of us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if it's reach to an extreme proportion then it's a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
omen both for the new generation and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
themselves.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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