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In many countries the proportion of older people is increasing. Could this have more positive or negative effects on society? v.1

In many countries the proportion of older people is increasing. Could this have more positive or negative effects on society? v. 1
In some countries, the number of elderly people experiences an increase in recent decades. It is undeniable that the issue has some benefits and drawbacks on society, but I think it has more disadvantages which I am going to explain below. Older people have been appreciated as the valuable resource to their communities as they are the witness of the history and they have wide range of knowledge, practice and experience. Moreover, when the young family members are busy at work, they can be good companions to their kids and teach, take care as well. Additionally, it shows how the government has provided its population with better economic and medical conditions, as in this country, the life expectancy is high. Some sectors, like teaching, research, medicine require extensive experience and older people can contribute to these fields. In spite of positive values, the growing number of senior citizens also has some negative consequences. Firstly, if the amount of old people increases, the government will have to allocate a higher budget to retirement houses and medical services. And these funds are gained from the taxes we pay. Secondly, older people demand more attention, extra care and money because of what they are often ignored by their relatives. Lastly, they are not able to do much manual labour, that's why they are less productive to the society compared to the youngsters. In conclusion, despite some advantages, increasing the quantity of senior people in a country has more disadvantages. I believe that every country should focus on maintaining a balanced ratio for the population in order to avoid an adverse effect on economic growth.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, the number of elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
experiences an increase in recent decades. It is undeniable that the issue has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits and drawbacks on society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it has more disadvantages which I am going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
below.

Older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
been appreciated
as the valuable resource to their communities as they are the witness of the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
history and
they have wide range of knowledge, practice and experience.
Moreover
, when the young family members are busy at work, they can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
companions to their kids and teach, take care
as well
.
Additionally
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
how the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has provided its population with better economic and medical conditions, as in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, the life expectancy is high.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
sectors, like teaching, research, medicine require extensive experience and older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can contribute to these fields.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
values, the growing number of senior citizens
also
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences.

Firstly
, if the amount of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
increases, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
allocate a higher budget to retirement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
and medical services. And these funds
are gained
from the taxes we pay.
Secondly
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
demand more attention, extra care and money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of what they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
by their relatives.
Lastly
, they are not able to do much manual
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
, that's why they are less productive to the society compared to the youngsters.

In conclusion
, despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages, increasing the quantity of senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has more disadvantages. I believe that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
should focus on maintaining a balanced ratio for the population in order to avoid an adverse effect on economic growth.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay In many countries the proportion of older people is increasing. Could this have more positive or negative effects on society? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
271 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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