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In many countries the proportion of old people is steadily increasing. Some think this good, while other believe this a problem for a country. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.3

In many countries the proportion of old people is steadily increasing. Some think this good, while other believe this a problem for a country. v. 3
In many countries, the number of people who became overweight has increased and their health condition and fitness level are declining. This essay will discuss some of the reasons why these problems have arisen and some of the steps that can be taken to address them. For a number of reasons, the average body weight of people in several countries is rising these days, and they have problems with the physical condition as well. Firstly, a lot of people prefer to consume in fast food outlets nowadays. It is undeniable that most of the fast food restaurants serve foods that contain fat and sugar, and as a result, those who frequently consume the food get overweight. Secondly, it is a fact business competition is getting tougher due to the globalisation, and people have to work for longer hours. They have to wake up very early in the morning to go to their workplace and arrive home late at night; therefore they have no time in doing some exercises. Consequently, many of these people have some serious health problems, such as obesity and diabetes. There are several things that people can do to resolve the problems. One of them is that people should be more selective in choosing their diets. People should avoid in consuming fast food since they contain a lot of high cholesterol ingredients which are dangerous for their health. They should consume more of the healthier ingredients such as wheat, oat, vegetable or fruit rather than consuming fried chicken or hamburger. The other thing is that people should do more physical exercises and burn more calories in their life. One of the ways is by changing their mode of transportations. For example, they could change the way they commute from driving a car to riding a bicycle. It is not just making the body healthier, but bike riding also reduces air pollution as well. In conclusion, it is true that many people are having problems with body weight and health conditions these days. The problems are mostly caused by the unhealthy lifestyles and there are several things that people could do to fix the problems. They should be more selective in choosing their diets and they should have more exercises in their life.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who became overweight has increased and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
condition and fitness level are declining. This essay will discuss
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
reasons why these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
have arisen and
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
steps that can
be taken
to address them.

For a number of reasons, the average body weight of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in several countries is rising these days, and they have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
with the physical condition
as well
.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to consume in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
outlets nowadays. It is undeniable that most of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
restaurants serve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
that contain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and sugar, and
as a result
, those who
frequently
consume the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
overweight.
Secondly
, it is a fact business competition is getting tougher due to the
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work for longer hours. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
wake up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
early in the morning to go to their workplace and arrive home late at night;
therefore
they have no time in doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
exercises.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, such as obesity and diabetes.

There are several things that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can do to resolve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
. One of them is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be more selective in choosing their diets.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
should avoid in consuming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
since they contain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
high cholesterol ingredients which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. They should consume more of the healthier ingredients such as wheat, oat, vegetable or fruit
rather
than consuming fried chicken or hamburger. The other thing is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should do more physical exercises and burn more calories in their life. One of the ways is by changing their mode of transportations.
For example
, they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the way they commute from driving a car to riding a bicycle. It is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
making the body healthier,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
bike riding
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
air pollution
as well
.

In conclusion
, it is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
with body weight and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
conditions these days. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
are
mostly
caused by the unhealthy lifestyles and there are several things that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could do to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
. They should be more selective in choosing their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
diets and
they should have more exercises in their life.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries the proportion of old people is steadily increasing. Some think this good, while other believe this a problem for a country. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
375 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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