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In many countries the proportion of old people is steadily increasing. some think this is good, while others believe this is a problem for a country. discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

In many countries the proportion of old people is steadily increasing. some think this is good, while others believe this is a problem for a country. v. 2
In many nation, number of senior citizen is surging. According to some people this is a good trend, meanwhile, others think this as a drawback for the society. This essay will discuss both the opinions before arriving at my opinion as conclusion. According to support of first view, a set of people think, elders as a guide, who can lead the family and society in the right path. Admittedly, aged generation are the one who have seen the life before the younger generation and they would have experienced enough to educate the life lesson. For example, whenever adults face problems in their life, undoubtedly they seek the advice of their seniors, who would show a way out the struggle. This would be the reason behind the placement of veteran in a respectable place in the society by a particular group of people. However, according to the other view, the another set of people find old age people as a burden to the country. As per this process, a substantial amount of time and money is spent on caring the retired persons, which is apparently not a profitable investment for the family or the government. For instance, a lion share of money will be paid off in the name of hospital bill, if a pensioner falls sick. Not only money but also the requirement of a care taker should be taken into consideration. When a grandparent get diseased, a member of the family have to take care of them. They may even have to leave their job in such situation. In conclusion, even though people anticipate elderly persons are not a useful part of the society. I assume the, as a backbone of the country. They can support their successors by paving a hurdle free way, which lead to better life.
In
Possible agreement error. The noun nation seems to be countable; consider using: "many nations".
many nation
, number of senior citizen is surging. According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
this is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
trend, meanwhile, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this as a drawback for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. This essay will discuss both the opinions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
arriving at my opinion as conclusion.

According to support of
first
view, a set of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, elders as a guide, who can lead the family and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in the right path.
Admittedly
, aged generation are the one who have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the younger
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
generation and
they would have experienced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to educate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
lesson.
For example
, whenever adults face problems in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
undoubtedly
they seek the advice of their seniors, who would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
a way out the struggle. This would be the reason behind the placement of veteran in a respectable place in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
by a particular group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

However
, according to the other view, the another set of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as a burden to the country. As per this process, a substantial amount of time and money
is spent
on caring the retired persons, which is
apparently
not a profitable investment for the family or the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
For instance
, a lion share of money will
be paid
off in the name of hospital bill, if a pensioner falls sick. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the requirement of a care taker should
be taken
into consideration. When a grandparent
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "gets".
get
diseased, a member of the family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take care of them. They may even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their job in such situation.

In conclusion
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
anticipate elderly persons are not a useful part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. I assume
Did you forget something after 'the'?
the,
as a backbone of the country. They can support their successors by paving a hurdle free way, which lead to better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay In many countries the proportion of old people is steadily increasing. some think this is good, while others believe this is a problem for a country. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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