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In many countries, the proportion of old people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on society? v.1

In many countries, the proportion of old people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on society? v. 1
It is undoubtedly that the accelerating rate of the elderly people has ushered in some pressing concerns of society as a whole. While it would certainly be easy to garner either benefits or drawbacks of this increasing, I believe that the whole development brings more negative impacts. On the one hand, there are countless benefits of the raising of aged persons. First and for most, the older people have rich experience and knowledge in both work and life. It means that they can become a good expertise in many sectors such as education, health and financial consultants. In addition, the older generation has a positive influence on the arts and culture. Indeed, they are actively involved in the community as member of sport clubs or attend musical concerts, theatres and art galleries more frequent than younger people. On the other hand, the pitfalls of the ageing population should not be underestimated. One striking disadvantage is that the detrimental effect of its on economics. Specifically, an elderly person might be unhealthy in their later years and may suffer from painful diseases such as arthritis, leading to become a burden on the social welfare system. Another drawback of this trend is that an increase in the older people rate will be a decrease proportion of people of the work place. To explain, there will be more people claiming benefits like state pensions and less people working and paying income taxes, causing a growth up in the dependency ratio. In conclusion, for all the aforementioned reasons, although nobody can deny that the increase of the aging population has positively impacted to the community, this trend is simultaneously negative.
It is
undoubtedly
that the accelerating rate of the elderly
people
has ushered in
some
pressing concerns of society as a whole. While it would
certainly
be easy to garner either benefits or drawbacks of this increasing, I believe that the whole development brings more
negative
impacts.

On the one hand, there are countless benefits of the raising of aged persons.
First
and for most, the older
people
have rich experience and knowledge in both work and life. It means that they can become a
good
expertise in
many
sectors such as education, health and financial consultants.
In addition
, the older generation has a
positive
influence on the arts and culture.
Indeed
, they are
actively
involved in the community as member of sport clubs or attend musical concerts,
theatres
and art galleries more frequent than younger
people
.

On the other hand
, the pitfalls of the
ageing
population should not
be underestimated
. One striking disadvantage is that the detrimental effect of its on economics.
Specifically
, an elderly person might be unhealthy in their later years and may suffer from painful diseases such as arthritis, leading to become a burden on the social welfare system. Another drawback of this trend is that an increase in the older
people
rate will be a decrease proportion of
people
of the work place. To
explain
, there will be more
people
claiming benefits like state pensions and
less
people
working and paying income taxes, causing a growth up in the dependency ratio.

In conclusion
, for all the aforementioned reasons, although nobody can deny that the increase of the aging population has
positively
impacted to the community, this trend is
simultaneously
negative
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries, the proportion of old people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on society? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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