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In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Some think this is good, while others believe this is a problem for a country. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.4

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Some think this is good, while others believe this is a problem for a country. v. 4
With increasing longevity of people, the proportion of older people is gradually increasing in almost all countries. While some people think the elderly are important since they have an extensive experience of various social systems, others believe this leads to loss of opportunities for youngsters and economic pressure on state's resources. I agree with the former view. It is evident that the old people have a deeper understanding of social systems. They have spent a lifetime in a culture and, thus, have a deep knowledge of various rituals, customs, and traditions. Preserving these elements of a society is extremely important to maintain a unique cultural identity of a community. Otherwise, with the onslaught of western food, clothing, and language, people will lose their unique existence and will be assimilated into the western culture. For instance, while youngsters in India prefer wearing jeans and consume junk food at McDonald's, the elderly preserve the Gujarati, Punjabi and Tamil traditional dresses and food. Youngsters realize the importance of these items once they enter the mid-age. On the other hand, a large percentage of elderly citizens exerts tremendous pressure on financial resources of the state. Since they have retired from service, the government pays them a pension without any economic contribution to the system. For example, the annual pension bill of Japan, one of the most aged societies of the world, has severely reduced the fund availability for other important areas such as infrastructure. Moreover, the elderly have strong work experience and many companies hire their services after retirement. This leads to fewer opportunities for youngsters. For instance, global corporations prefer hiring retired government employees to learn about government policy. This prevents youngsters from gaining experience in this domain. In conclusion, I believe that though the elderly may adversely impact financial resources of a state and crowd-out the opportunities for youngsters, they are extremely beneficial to the society as they help build strong foundations of the society.
With increasing longevity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the proportion of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is
gradually
increasing in almost all countries. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
since they have an extensive experience of various social systems, others believe this leads to loss of opportunities for youngsters and economic pressure on state's resources. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former view.

It is evident that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a deeper understanding of social systems. They have spent a lifetime in a culture and,
thus
, have a deep knowledge of various rituals, customs, and traditions. Preserving these elements of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to maintain a unique cultural identity of a community.
Otherwise
, with the onslaught of western food, clothing, and language,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will lose their unique existence and will
be assimilated
into the western culture.
For instance
, while youngsters in India prefer wearing jeans and consume junk food at McDonald's, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
preserve the Gujarati, Punjabi and Tamil traditional dresses and food. Youngsters realize the importance of these items once they enter the mid-age.

On the other hand
, a large percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
citizens exerts tremendous pressure on financial resources of the state. Since they have retired from service, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
pays them a pension without any economic contribution to the system.
For example
, the annual pension bill of Japan, one of the most aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
of the world, has
severely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
the fund availability for other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
areas such as infrastructure.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
have strong work experience and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
hire their services after retirement. This leads to fewer opportunities for youngsters.
For instance
, global corporations prefer hiring retired
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
employees to learn about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
policy. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
youngsters from gaining experience in this domain.

In conclusion
, I believe that though the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
may
adversely
impact financial resources of a state and crowd-out the opportunities for youngsters, they are
extremely
beneficial to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
build strong foundations of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Some think this is good, while others believe this is a problem for a country. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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