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In many countries, the elderly proportion of the population is increasing steadily. Does this trend have positive or negative effects on society? v.2

In many countries, the elderly proportion of the population is increasing steadily. Does this trend have positive or negative effects on society? v. 2
Nowadays many hold the view that the steady increase in old population does good to society. However, there is a body of opinion holding that this trend has bad effects on the society. In this essay I will examine both sides of the debate to seek a conclusion. To begin with, it is undeniable that aging society may put a financial strain on the government. To be specific, more old people mean more national expense since the government has the duty to pay the pension to the old when they retire and pay for medical bills when they are sick. What is more, this trend also leads to labor shortage in the workshop, with fewer young workers engaging in industrial activities when there are more seniors. On the other hand, however, the aging group gives the young chances to adapt to the working environment as more and more seniors will give the young more work experience and help them to develop employable skills. Besides, probably it will boost medical development, since the increasing number of old people may force doctors or relevant researchers to work hard to figure out efficient ways that the elderly can keep healthy. To sum up, there is no doubt that the increasing proportion of the elderly actually gives many financial burden to the government and causes labor shortage. At the same time, however, it basically allows the young to adapt to the society and improve the development of medical technology. In the final analysis, therefore, one can safely conclude that the increase increase in numbers of the elderly actually has a negative effect on the society.
Nowadays
Possible agreement error. The noun hold seems to be countable; consider using: "many holds".
many hold
the view that the steady increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
population does
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
However
, there is a body of opinion holding that this trend has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effects on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. In this essay I will examine both sides of the debate to seek a conclusion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is undeniable that aging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
may put a financial strain on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. To be specific, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
mean more national expense since the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has the duty to pay the pension to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
when they retire and pay for medical bills when they are sick.
What is more
, this trend
also
leads to labor shortage in the workshop, with fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
workers engaging in industrial activities when there are more seniors.

On the other hand
,
however
, the aging group gives the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
chances to adapt to the working environment as more and more seniors will give the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
more work experience and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to develop employable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Besides
,
probably
it will boost medical development, since the increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may force doctors or relevant researchers to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to figure out efficient ways that the elderly can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
healthy.

To sum up, there is no doubt that the increasing proportion of the elderly actually gives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
financial burden to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and causes labor shortage. At the same time,
however
, it
basically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
to adapt to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the development of medical technology. In the final analysis,
therefore
, one can
safely
conclude that the
Possible typo: you repeated a word
increase increase
in numbers of the elderly actually has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries, the elderly proportion of the population is increasing steadily. Does this trend have positive or negative effects on society? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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