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In many countries, people have health problems because they choose to live in unhealthy ways. What do you think the reasons for this and how can it be solved? v.4

In many countries, people have health problems because they choose to live in unhealthy ways. What do you think the reasons for this and how can it be solved? v. 4
Nowadays, the internet society is advancing notably, and belong, we could get about medical technically information easily. I think that they are in something issue situations if they could not choose to live in healthy ways. I assumed two reasons that they choose to live in unhealthy ways. Firstly, they are poor or live in developing countries, many country's poverty is increasing. They do not afford to go to hospital or to buy medication when they catch a sick. Therefore, they cannot eat enough foods and drink water that is polluted, then they are exposed to starvation that is accelerated an unhealthy. Their environments are also dirty even in hospital if they could get a medical examination. The hospital cannot supply good or clean treatment to people. Poverty people do not have any choice that chooses to live a healthy way for themselves. I think that developing country could receive a support from WHO, NPO and WFP. In individual supports, we would donate clothes, shoes, notes and to contribute. That is one of solutions for helping them. Secondly, I have suggested that people do not have properly acknowledged about medicine or tend to wrong approach, because of a religion, culture and developing medicines. In this issue, I think that the government should support for them, for example, they provide a school tuition and developing education, to build a school and cover medical experiment fees. However, if the issue belongs to culture or religion, it is difficult to change or fix their mind that is believed. Because culture has a long history and religion is habit of them for a long time. Protecting their mind, then teach correct or can live more healthy approach to them are important. In conclusion, it needs to know the cause that they choose to live unhealthy style, then think a solution to each issue. I think that's a correct acknowledge and maintained surroundings are necessary for living in healthy.
Nowadays, the internet society is advancing
notably
, and belong, we could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
about medical
technically
information
easily
. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that they are in something
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
situations if they could not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
ways.

I assumed two reasons that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in unhealthy ways.
Firstly
, they are poor or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developing
countries,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Incorrect plural form; it does not need any apostrophe. Did you mean "countrys"?
country's
poverty is increasing. They do not afford to go to hospital or to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
medication when they catch a sick.
Therefore
, they cannot eat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
foods and drink water that
is polluted
, then they
are exposed
to starvation that
is accelerated
Probably a noun is missing in this part of the sentence.
an unhealthy
. Their environments are
also
dirty even in hospital if they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a medical examination. The hospital cannot supply
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
or clean treatment to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Poverty
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not have any choice that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chooses
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
way for themselves.

I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developing
country could receive a support from
Did you mean "whom"?
WHO
, NPO and WFP. In individual supports, we would donate clothes, shoes, notes and to contribute.
That is
one of solutions for helping them.

Secondly
, I have suggested that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not have
properly
acknowledged about medicine or tend to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
approach,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a religion, culture and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developing
medicines. In this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should support for them,
for example
, they provide a school tuition and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developing
education, to build a school and cover medical experiment fees.

However
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
belongs to culture or religion, it is difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
their mind that
is believed
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
culture has a long history and religion is habit of them for a long time. Protecting their mind, then teach correct or can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
approach to them are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

In conclusion
, it needs to know the cause that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choose
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
unhealthy style, then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
a solution to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that's a correct
The word 'acknowledge' is not a noun. Did you mean "acknowledgment"?
acknowledge
and maintained surroundings are necessary for living in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay In many countries, people have health problems because they choose to live in unhealthy ways. What do you think the reasons for this and how can it be solved? v. 4

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
324 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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