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In many countries, people have health problems because they choose to live in unhealthy ways. What do you think the reasons for this and how can it be solved? v.2

In many countries, people have health problems because they choose to live in unhealthy ways. What do you think the reasons for this and how can it be solved? v. 2
In the modern world, human has become unhealthier than before as compared with earlier ages. As a consequence, the high impact of economic and social issues has been occurring in the past decades. However, the prominent reason is an unhealthy lifestyle. In this essay, I will explain the cause of this issue and how to avoid this. Firstly, these days, many individuals trying to climb the corporate ladder for more earning that they're unable to focus on themselves, which leads to overweight and many diseases. Early days, humans consume a high amount of nutritious foods and use them to prepare their food by themselves. Modern-day humans tend to utilize process and instant food in order the full fill their needs which contain extreme amounts of fat and salt. High sugary carbonated drinks has been replace pure water, which is a high effect on blood sugar levels. Those who utilized those foods and drink, have more risk of having diseases like diabetic, high cholesterol. Moreover, lack of exercise and movements also cause a detrimental effect on the body and direct effect on the performance of every human being. Secondly, self-motivation and awareness of health risk that is essential to prevent, by maintaining a healthy diet and routine exercising to build a healthy society. The government involvement is critical to aware of those who avoid a healthy lifestyle and get back on the track. Early detection of health risks can be a cure and also there are effective methods to gain self-confidence and become healthy and active individuals. In contrast, the world has filled with unhealthy effects moving human being, that slows down human activities. However, to avoid this outcome, self-motivation and changing habits is crucial.
In the modern world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
has become unhealthier than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
as compared with earlier ages. As a consequence, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
impact of economic and social issues has been occurring in the past decades.
However
, the prominent reason is an unhealthy lifestyle. In this essay, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the cause of this issue and how to avoid this.

Firstly
, these days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals trying to climb the corporate ladder for more earning that they're unable to focus on themselves, which leads to overweight and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases. Early days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
consume a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
amount of nutritious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them to prepare their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
by themselves. Modern-day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
tend to utilize process and instant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
in order the full fill their needs which contain extreme amounts of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and salt.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
High
sugary carbonated drinks has been
Consider using a past participle here: "replaced".
replace
pure water, which is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
on blood sugar levels. Those who utilized those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and drink, have more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of having diseases like diabetic,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
cholesterol.

Moreover
, lack of exercise and movements
also
cause a detrimental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
on the body and direct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
on the performance of every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
being.

Secondly
, self-motivation and awareness of health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
that is
essential to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
, by maintaining a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
diet and routine exercising to build a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
society. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
involvement is critical to aware of those who avoid a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
lifestyle and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
back on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
. Early detection of health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
can be a cure and
also
there are effective methods to gain self-confidence and become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
and active individuals.

In contrast
, the world has filled with unhealthy effects moving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
being, that slows down
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
activities.
However
, to avoid this outcome, self-motivation and changing habits is crucial.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay In many countries, people have health problems because they choose to live in unhealthy ways. What do you think the reasons for this and how can it be solved? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
284 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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