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In many countries people are living in a "throwaway society" where things are used for a short time and throw away. What are the causes of this and what problems does it has? Give your own example. v.1

In many countries people are living in a "throwaway society" where things are used for a short time and throw away. What are the causes of this and what problems does it has? Give your own example. v. 1
Some people believe that it is irrelevant to organise global events such as the Olympics and they also, say that it is not viable. I completely disagree with argument as, I believe that hosting such events on a global scale will provide a fair share and additionally it can aid in sustaining the world peace. Everyone should be given equal rights to participate, so they too can shine among powerful nations. In other words, sports events such as Olympics, world cups can give all of the nations around the world the opportunity to compete and as a result, this can open doors for them to get the recognition they deserve. For example; Usain bolt otherwise known as the fastest man on earth was a Jamaican born, hence now the whole world regards Jamaica as a country which produces some of the worlds best athletes. If done with good intentions larger gatherings can always create peace between nations. To put differently, we have all seen the horrors of wars between nations and detrimental repercussions that comes along with them, therefore an event such as the Olympics can create unity between countries resulting in peace. For an example; we have observed and feel that the diplomatic ties between the USA and Russia is not firm, however last Olympics held in Russia showed us that participants between these two countries come together to win a peaceful war of a gold medal. In conclusion, I believe that hosting events on a global level must be continued, as this would help countries to build better diplomatic relationships. Furthermore, it will also give less powerful nations the opportunity to participate and the recognition.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that it is irrelevant to
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
such as the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
Olympics and
they
also
, say that it is not viable. I completely disagree with argument as, I believe that hosting such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on a global scale will provide a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
share and
additionally
it can aid in sustaining the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
peace.

Everyone should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
equal rights to participate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they too can shine among powerful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
.
In other words
, sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
such as Olympics,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
cups can give
Consider using "all the".
all of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
the opportunity to compete and
as a result
, this can open doors for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the recognition they deserve.
For example
;
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Usain bolt
otherwise
known as the fastest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
on earth was a Jamaican born,
hence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
regards Jamaica as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
which produces
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of the
A determiner is probably missing here: "worlds the best".
worlds best
athletes.

“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
done with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
intentions larger gatherings can always create peace between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
. To put
differently
, we have all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
the horrors of wars between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
and detrimental repercussions that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
along with them,
therefore
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
such as the Olympics can create unity between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
resulting in peace. For an example; we have observed and feel that the diplomatic ties between the USA and Russia is not firm,
however
last Olympics held in Russia
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
us that participants between these two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
together to win a peaceful war of a gold medal.

In conclusion
, I believe that hosting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on a global level
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be continued
, as this would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to build better diplomatic relationships.
Furthermore
, it will
also
give less powerful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
the opportunity to participate and the recognition.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries people are living in a "throwaway society" where things are used for a short time and throw away. What are the causes of this and what problems does it has? Give your own example. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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