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Many offenders commit more crimes after first punishment. Why this is happening and what measures should be taken to tackle this problem? v.1

Many offenders commit more crimes after first punishment. Why this is happening and what measures should be taken to tackle this problem? v. 1
In the modern world, many governmental organizations, especially executive branch is willing to control the social sites users in order to provide safety and prevent cybercrime on the net. However, there are certain disadvantages of these initiatives, such as breaking the human rights and freedom of speech. Personally, I believe that social networking sites should be out of the government interventions. On the one hand, some administrative workers and government officials can use personal dates of the network users for their own purposes. Money laundering and corruption rate may be increased because of stealing the personal dates. Moreover, government can block the internet. For example, during the demonstration in the last summer in Kazakhstan, some certain YouTube channels were blocked by the authorities, and these actions make society more irritated, leading to further rallies in the future. On the other hand, it is true that the administration can provide safety for internet users. In this regard, they can filter some resources. For example, some sites on the network may trick users, and authorized bodies can block them. Moreover, it is clear that online crime is high in some countries, because of inadequate systems of cyber security, leading to losing money and dates. In this regard, some people believe that there should be administrative control over the users. In conclusion, although competent authorities can reduce the level of cybercrime, it can be manageable though the controlling the internet, leading to stealing personal dates. In addition to this, it can be utilized in the political sphere too.
In the modern world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
governmental organizations,
especially
executive branch is willing to control the social sites
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
in order to provide safety and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
cybercrime on the net.
However
, there are certain disadvantages of these initiatives, such as breaking the human rights and freedom of speech.
Personally
, I believe that social networking sites should be out of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
interventions.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
administrative workers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
officials can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
personal dates of the network
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
purposes. Money laundering and corruption rate may
be increased
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of stealing the personal dates.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can block the internet.
For example
, during the demonstration in the last summer in Kazakhstan,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
certain YouTube channels
were blocked
by the authorities, and these actions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
society more irritated, leading to
further
rallies in the future.

On the other hand
, it is true that the administration can provide safety for internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
. In this regard, they can filter
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
resources.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sites on the network may trick
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
, and authorized bodies can block them.
Moreover
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that online crime is high in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of inadequate systems of cyber security, leading to losing money and dates.

In this regard,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that there should be administrative control over the users.

In conclusion
, although competent authorities can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the level of cybercrime, it can be manageable though the controlling the internet, leading to stealing personal dates.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
addition to this, it can
be utilized
in the political sphere too.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many offenders commit more crimes after first punishment. Why this is happening and what measures should be taken to tackle this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
255 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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