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In many countries, people are having health issue. this is due to their unhealthy living. What are the reason of people choosing unhealthy lifestyle? What can be done to solve this problem? v.1

In many countries, people are having health issue. this is due to their unhealthy living. What are the reason of people choosing unhealthy lifestyle? What can be done to solve this problem? v. 1
A majority of people intend to stay in the city in order to grow up their children, however others prefer to live in the villages. There are advantages and disadvantages of both ideas, which will be discussed below. Living and growing in the city could be a pleasure for a certain population due to existing a wide range of opportunities. Parents might give their children to any international schools for obtaining a better knowledge or sport clubs so as to become a good sportsman. However, there are some disadvantages of this, such as children could be lost easily among crowded. For instance, police found 15 children in a day during the New Year Eve from the capital city. Moreover, the number of car accidents is becoming increasing, especially between 3-15 ages. Others prefer to stay and raise their children in the countryside than the city. Most of them should be healthier due to the climate and food. There are more trees and mountains with less vehicles not as like as the city. Every day children might drink fresh milk, recently come out of the cow or eat vegetables and fruits, which parents planted without any chemicals. After consuming these products, they should be stronger than city’s ones. On the other hand, in IT century parents could hardly give a good education in a lack of opportunities in villages, which is barely seen any modern schools or hi-tech sport clubs. For example, any world champions despite of being grown up in villages practice their exercises in city facilities. To summarize, growing up in any places has its own plus and minus sides so as parents have to concentrate on more advantages for their children.
A majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
intend to stay in the city in order to grow up their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
however
others prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the villages. There are advantages and disadvantages of both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
, which will
be discussed
below.

Living and growing in the city could be a pleasure for a certain population due to existing a wide range of opportunities.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
might give their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to any international schools for obtaining a better knowledge or sport clubs
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
become a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
sportsman.
However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages of this, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could
be lost
easily
among crowded.
For instance
, police found 15
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in a day during the New Year Eve from the capital city.
Moreover
, the number of car accidents is becoming increasing,
especially
between 3-15 ages.

Others prefer to stay and raise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the countryside than the city. Most of them should be healthier due to the climate and food. There are more trees and mountains with
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun vehicles is countable.
less
vehicles not as like as the city. Every day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might drink fresh milk, recently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
out of the cow or eat vegetables and fruits, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
planted without any chemicals. After consuming these products, they should be stronger than city’s ones.
On the other hand
, in IT century
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
could hardly give a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education in a lack of opportunities in villages, which is
barely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
any modern schools or hi-tech sport clubs.
For example
, any world champions
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
being grown
up in villages practice their exercises in city facilities.

To summarize
, growing up in any places has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
plus and minus sides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
concentrate on more advantages for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay In many countries, people are having health issue. this is due to their unhealthy living. What are the reason of people choosing unhealthy lifestyle? What can be done to solve this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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