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The number of people at risk of serious health problem due to overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? What can be done to solve the issue? v.1

The number of people at risk of serious health problem due to overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? What can be done to solve the issue? v. 1
It is a fact that excellent, knowledgeable and experienced teachers will help students to learn knowledge at school. Children's teachers will play a crucial role in helping their students to become more intelligent and to improve social development. However, I personally disagree that parents have less influence on their children's intelligence and social development than teachers. To begin with, parents are their children's primary care givers and will spend many times with their children. During school time,  children go to school to obtain knowledge by learning different kinds of subjects; however, what they learn are all from text books or labs and after school, parents are their mentors in their daily lives and teach their children a variety of thinking skills. Children apply what they learned at school to solve problems via their teacher's guiding. For example, children with good parents' support and guiding will do better at schools and have good careers in their future. Moreover, high intelligence is inherited by genes from parents. In addition,  children's social development includes many contents, such as interpersonal skills, communication skills and so on. It is definite that teachers will help their students to practice their communication skills via a variety of activities in classes; however, it takes long time for children to master social skills. Children have been  learning these skills since they were born. Their parents are their first teachers. Researches indicate that children who parents talked to them more in infant time will have better communication skills. These children tend to have better capacity of expressing themselves. In conclusion, at school teachers teach many knowledges and all kinds of skills to their students; however, parents pass more knowledge to their children during their lives and teach their children to master social skills. Parents play a more important role in influencing their children to become smarter and more competent than teachers.
It is a fact that excellent, knowledgeable and experienced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to learn knowledge at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
will play a crucial role in helping their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to become more intelligent and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
development.
However
, I
personally
disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have less influence on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
intelligence and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
development than teachers.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
 with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
primary care givers and will spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. During
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
 children
go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to obtain knowledge by learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of subjects;
however
, what they learn are all from text books or labs and after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are their mentors in their daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a variety of thinking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
apply what they learned at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to solve problems via their teacher's guiding.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
parents' support and guiding will do better at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
careers in their future.
Moreover
, high intelligence
is inherited
by genes from parents.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
 children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
development includes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
contents, such as interpersonal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to practice their communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
via a variety of activities in classes;
however
, it takes long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to master social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
have been
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
learning these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
since they
were born
. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are their
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
. Researches indicate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
Did you mean "parent"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'children' should be used.
parents
talked to them more in infant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
will have better communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to have better capacity of expressing themselves.

In conclusion
, at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
teach
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
 
Possible spelling mistake found.
knowledges
and all kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
;
however
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
pass more knowledge to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
during their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to master
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
play a more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in influencing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become smarter and more competent than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The number of people at risk of serious health problem due to overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? What can be done to solve the issue? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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