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If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples tosupport your answer v.3

If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples tosupport your answer v. 3
It is said that many youngsters allocate considerable time for electronic games rather than physical activities. This essay will discuss several reasons why this occurred and prove why it is a negative trend. To begin with, there would be several causes leading to this. Firstly, video games are normally attractive because of their images and sounds, which are eye-catching to children. Not to mention the fact that games nowadays provide different level of difficulties from beginner to master and also virtual awards whenever the players become winners. Secondly, due to urbanization, the megalopolis utilize spaces for industry and buildings rather than children's backgrounds. For example, Hanoi is in a shortage of outdoor spaces, resulting in the fact that youngsters do not have public spaces to do physical activities. Spending a greater amount of time on computers rather than doing physical activities might be disadvantageous. It is scientifically proved that the addition to computerized games is highly associated with dangerous diseases. My friend, for example, allocates a great deal of time glued his eyes into the computer' screen, leading to obesity. Besides, the majority of games on electronic devices are violent rather than educational. Not only does this deter children from cultivating their interpersonal skills, but also build up mental impairment and anti-social behaviour, contributing to the high crime rate in the future. To conclude, this essay discussed the rising trend of the young switching to computerized games rather than sports and highlighted why it is negative. From my perspective, children should be limited to play games as well as be encouraged to do physical activities.
It
is said
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters allocate considerable time for electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities. This essay will discuss several reasons why this occurred and prove why it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trend.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there would be several causes leading to this.
Firstly
, video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are
normally
attractive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their images and sounds, which are eye-catching to children. Not to mention the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
nowadays provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
level of difficulties from beginner to master and
also
virtual awards whenever the players become winners.
Secondly
, due to urbanization, the megalopolis utilize spaces for industry and buildings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rather
than children's backgrounds.
For example
, Hanoi is in a shortage of outdoor spaces, resulting in the fact that youngsters do not have public spaces to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities.

Spending a greater amount of time on computers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rather
than doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities might be disadvantageous. It is
scientifically
proved that the addition to computerized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is
highly
associated with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
diseases. My friend,
for example
, allocates a great deal of time glued his eyes into the computer' screen, leading to obesity.
Besides
, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on electronic devices are violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rather
than educational. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does this deter children from cultivating their interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
build up mental impairment and anti-social
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, contributing to the high crime rate in the future.

To conclude
, this essay discussed the rising trend of the young switching to computerized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rather
than sports and highlighted why it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
. From my perspective, children should
be limited
to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as well
as
be encouraged
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples tosupport your answer v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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