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In many countries in the world people buy clothes and choose hair styles according to latest fashion. Why is this happening? Is this a positive or a negative development? v.3

In many countries in the world people buy clothes and choose hair styles according to latest fashion. Why is this happening? Is this a positive or a negative development? v. 3
Worldwide, it has been observed that people make their hair and purchase outfits according to current fashion. One of the reasons for this is because of the insatiable need to look different and stand out hence, the constant update in fashion. Fashion, which is a popular style of hair or clothes, is constantly updated and therefore, people crave to make the lastest hairdos and buy outfits that are in vogue in other to be unique, but most importantly, to be admired. For instance, the survey that was carried out on attendees of the 2017 Fashion Week revealed that 95% purchased lastest clothes to beautify themselves so as to stand out. Consequently, the fashion industry keeps evolving so not to default. The choice to keep up with the lastest hairstyles and clothes is advantageous to countries. Asides the obvious fact that this trend has created employment opportunities, that is, many people turn to fashion and designing since it is highly lucrative; it also pulls tourists to a country. Undoubtedly, tourism is a huge source of revenue to a nation. To illustrate, the just concluded Fashion Exhibition that was held in China caught the eyes of over a hundred million tourists from all around the globe who were in attendance. Thus, this massive attendance translates to revenue for the country. In conclusion, the orgy for people all over the world to purchase attires and make hair styles that are in vogue has numerous benefits. Some of these are it's ability to increase job availability, and capability to boot the revenue of a country.
Worldwide, it has
been observed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their hair and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
outfits according to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
. One of the reasons for this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the insatiable need to look
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
and stand out
hence
, the constant update in fashion.

Fashion, which is a popular style of hair or clothes, is
constantly
updated and
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
crave to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
Possible spelling mistake found.
lastest
hairdos and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
outfits that are in vogue in other to be unique,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
most
importantly
, to
be admired
.
For instance
, the survey that
was carried
out on attendees of the 2017
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Fashion
Week revealed that 95%
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
Possible spelling mistake found.
lastest
clothes to beautify themselves
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
stand out.
Consequently
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
industry
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
evolving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
not to default.

The choice to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with the
Possible spelling mistake found.
lastest
hairstyles and clothes is advantageous to countries. Asides the obvious fact that this trend has created employment opportunities,
that is
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
turn to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
and designing since it is
highly
lucrative; it
also
pulls tourists to a country.
Undoubtedly
, tourism is a huge source of revenue to a nation. To illustrate, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
concluded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Fashion
Exhibition that
was held
in China caught the eyes of over a hundred million tourists from all around the globe who were in attendance.
Thus
, this massive attendance translates to revenue for the country.

In conclusion
, the orgy for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
all over the world to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
attires and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
hair styles that are in vogue has numerous benefits.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of these are
Did you mean "its" (possessive pronoun) instead of 'it's' (=it is)?
it's
ability to increase job availability, and capability to boot the revenue of a country.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay In many countries in the world people buy clothes and choose hair styles according to latest fashion. Why is this happening? Is this a positive or a negative development? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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