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In many countries in the world people buy clothes and choose hair styles according to latest fashion. Why is this happening? Is this a positive or a negative development? v.2

In many countries in the world people buy clothes and choose hair styles according to latest fashion. Why is this happening? Is this a positive or a negative development? v. 2
Nowadays, a lot of individuals around the globe have opted on purchasing attires and selecting hairstyles according to what is currently trending. However, I am of the opinion that this is a major benefit and I will discuss the impact it has on individuals. Undoubtedly, there is some major benefit of individuals keeping up to trend on fashion and hairstyles. Firstly, individuals now have the options to purchase ready to wear attires on the spot. For instance, a native attire, in particular, could be purchased off the rack for an emergency event or dinner. Also, currently trending are hair wigs ladies can easily put on and look glamorous to work or to an event, For example, in the past, a lady is confined to sitting in a salon for a minimum of eight hours to braid their hair but currently there are already made braided hair that can be worn easily without having to go to a salon. In addition, there are headgears that ladies spend a minimum of 40 minutes to tie on their head before going to a wedding or church, but currently, there are already tied headgears in different colours that can be worn with any attire of your choice. Nevertheless, there could be many disadvantages to this trend. The purchase cost of these items is usually expensive. Young people especially would go the extra mile such as stealing or prostitution to purchase these trendy items. In addition, peer pressure also plays a negative role. For example, from my personal experience, my sister ensures she buys fashion trendy pieces of jewellery and items of clothing bi-weekly because she feels her colleagues are doing same not considering where their funds are coming from. In conclusion, I believe that trendy fashion styles have saved a lot of individuals on emergency events by providing immediate available outfits. However, the damage it has on young individuals cannot be neglected.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
around the globe have opted on purchasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attires
and selecting hairstyles according to what is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
currently
trending.
However
, I am of the opinion that this is a major benefit and I will discuss the impact it has on individuals.

Undoubtedly
, there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
major benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
keeping up to trend on fashion and hairstyles.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
have the options to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
ready to wear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attires
on the spot.
For instance
, a native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attire
,
in particular
, could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
off the rack for an emergency
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
or dinner.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
currently
trending are hair wigs ladies can
easily
put on and look glamorous to work or to an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
,
For example
, in the past, a lady
is confined
to sitting in a salon for a minimum of eight hours to braid their hair
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
currently
there are already made braided hair that can
be worn
easily
without having to go to a salon.
In addition
, there are
Possible spelling mistake found.
headgears
that ladies spend a minimum of 40 minutes to tie on their head
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
going to a wedding or church,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
currently
, there are already tied
Possible spelling mistake found.
headgears
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
Possible spelling mistake. 'colours' is British English.
colours
that can
be worn
with any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attire
of your choice.

Nevertheless
, there could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
disadvantages to this trend. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
cost of these items is
usually
expensive. Young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
especially
would go the extra mile such as stealing or prostitution to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
these trendy items.
In addition
, peer pressure
also
plays a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
role.
For example
, from my personal experience, my sister ensures she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buys
fashion trendy pieces of
Possible spelling mistake. 'jewellery' is British English.
jewellery
and items of clothing bi-weekly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she feels her colleagues are doing same not considering where their funds are coming from.

In conclusion
, I believe that trendy fashion styles have saved
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
on emergency
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
by providing immediate available outfits.
However
, the damage it has on young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
cannot
be neglected
.
20Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries in the world people buy clothes and choose hair styles according to latest fashion. Why is this happening? Is this a positive or a negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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