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In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.4

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. v. 4
Healthy citizens are a major factor in a country's development. Developed nations are facing an obesity epidemic. One can argue, that the government should take necessary steps to curb this problem. I agree that the government should aware more people about a healthy lifestyle and take ownership. Firstly, children are becoming obese and unhealthy because of increasing adulteration in food. Although this might not be the only problem, but it is a major one. For example, foods are frequently tested positive for lead and mercury in developing countries. These pollutant attack our metabolism and kills gut bacteria, hence increasing weight. In addition, recent studies have shown the link between lead consumption and cancer. Government should increase the penalty on food business found adulterating. Also, there should be frequent visits by the health inspector on all food businesses and restaurants. Secondly, in developing countries, health is more dependent on factors which government can control. For instance, clean water, minimal pollution and proper medicines. If we look at India, the most common diseases are polio, dengue and malaria. All of these can be controlled by proper measure taken by the government. For example, awareness programs should be introduced in every state to educate people on these issues. Furthermore, free vaccine camps for children should be run. This can kill diseases at a very young age. To conclude, unless government takes the necessary steps, this problem will only escalate. In order to promote a healthy lifestyle, It is their responsibility to provide each citizen with good food and medicines.
Healthy citizens are a major factor in a country's development. Developed nations are facing an obesity epidemic. One can argue, that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should take necessary steps to curb this problem. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should aware more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
about a healthy lifestyle and take ownership.

Firstly
, children are becoming obese and unhealthy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of increasing adulteration in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. Although this might not be the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
problem,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is a major one.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are
frequently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tested
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
for lead and mercury in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
.
Did you mean "this pollutant" or "These pollutants"?
These pollutant
attack our metabolism and kills gut bacteria,
hence
increasing weight.
In addition
, recent studies have shown the link between lead consumption and cancer.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
should increase the penalty on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
business found adulterating.
Also
, there should be frequent visits by the health inspector on all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
businesses and restaurants.

Secondly
, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
, health is more dependent on factors which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can control.
For instance
, clean water, minimal pollution and proper medicines. If we look at India, the most common diseases are polio, dengue and malaria. All of these can
be controlled
by proper measure taken by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
For example
, awareness programs should
be introduced
in every state to educate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
on these issues.
Furthermore
, free vaccine camps for children should
be run
. This can kill diseases at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age.

To conclude
, unless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
takes the necessary steps, this problem will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
escalate. In order to promote a healthy lifestyle, It is their responsibility to provide each citizen with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and medicines.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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