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In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.3

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. v. 3
The 20th century has evolved with various developments such as the internet, mobile technology and IT revolution, etc. Since, these new enhancements have glued the adolescents with the laptop or mobile phone rather than playing outdoors, so this has become a major issue in terms of lack of physical activities: consequently, the upcoming generations are facing health issues namely, obesity, eyesight and under-developed brain. Some critics assert that the government should take some steps to stop this, however I completely disagree with this, and the essay will outline the reasons for this. Firstly, home is the first school and parents are the first teacher of kids, therefore only parents can have a strict control on the timings of the TV or video games. In other words, parents have to set some rules on the usage of the on-screen games, and allocate more time to the outdoor games as compared to indoor activities. In Japan, for instance, the kids are lean because they spend time more time in outdoor games as compared to India. Moreover, it is only the parents who can monitor their kids' routine more closely, and motivate them setting up rewards like sweets or small gifts, if they play more outside. Secondly, parents have a natural and emotional bond with their children, and they should also accompany them to parks and grounds, hence this can convince them easily as compared to rules set by the public authority of a country. For example, it is indubitable that a it will be more beneficial for a child's health, when a child is playing outside along with his family, as compared to forcefully being asked to play outside of the law defined by an authority. Furthermore, because the people living in a society can organize family activities more frequently as compared to governments; as a result, more children will come outside to do physical activities. To conclude, parents should be guiding their children regarding the ways of a healthy lifestyle. They themselves should involve in making their wards to follow a healthy daily routine.
The 20th century has evolved with various developments such as the internet, mobile technology and IT revolution, etc. Since, these new enhancements have glued the adolescents with the laptop or mobile phone
rather
than playing outdoors,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
this has become a major issue in terms of lack of physical activities:
consequently
, the upcoming generations are facing health issues
namely
, obesity, eyesight and under-developed brain.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
critics assert that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
steps to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
this,
however
I completely disagree with this, and the essay will outline the reasons for this.

Firstly
, home is the
first
school and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the
first
teacher of kids,
therefore
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can have a strict control on the timings of the TV or video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
set
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
on the usage of the on-screen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, and allocate more time to the outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as compared to indoor activities. In Japan,
for instance
, the kids are lean
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they spend time more time in outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as compared to India.
Moreover
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who can monitor their kids' routine more
closely
, and motivate them setting up rewards like sweets or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
gifts, if they play more outside.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have a natural and emotional bond with their children, and they should
also
accompany them to parks and grounds,
hence
this can convince them
easily
as compared to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
set by the public authority of a country.
For example
, it is indubitable that
Possible typo. Did you mean "a" or "it"?
a it
will be more beneficial for a child's health, when a child is playing outside along with his family, as compared to
forcefully
being asked
to play
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
the law defined by an authority.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
living in a society can organize family activities more
frequently
as compared to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
;
as a result
, more children will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
outside to do physical activities.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should be guiding their children regarding the ways of a healthy lifestyle. They themselves should involve in making their wards to follow a healthy daily routine.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
343 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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