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In many countries, as people are earning more these days they are also spending money in buying more and more items. Do you think it is a positive or negative development v.1

In many countries, as people are earning more these days they are also spending money in buying more and more items. Do you think it is a positive or negative development v. 1
Over the years, people are spending profusely owing to higher incomes. However, as the salary hikes, people gradually become addicted to shopping and saves less. In my opinion, this can be detrimental to society as people will never be at peace and always be lured to earn more money. Firstly, as the monetary situation improves, the lifestyle of the people becomes expensive and they start investing in multifarious high-end products. To illustrate, many people buy new cars when their salary is increased, though the old car was functional and fulfilling all the requirements. Secondly, a vicious circle of never-ending wishes for materialistic things gets started, when a person is overindulged in shopping. Therefore, at the end of the month, they do not have funds in their banks, no matter how huge the salary is. For Instance, countless people use credit cards at month end as they are short of money. Finally, savings for the future is minimized because of the extravagant style of living. Moreover, incorporating the king-size lifestyle is easy, but compromising lavish lifestyle during monetary issues is extremely painful. For example, many businessmen commit suicide after a business failure, as they are not able to degrade their standard of living. However, the circulation of money increases in the market, as the number of customer increases, but this cannot suffice for the problems people go through by overspending. In Conclusion, people should not get trapped in the cycle of earning high and spending high. Attaining a balance between spending and saving money is the main key to lead a quality life.
Over the years,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are spending
profusely
owing to higher incomes.
However
, as the salary hikes,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gradually
become addicted to shopping and saves less. In my opinion, this can be detrimental to society as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will never be at peace and always
be lured
to earn more money.

Firstly
, as the monetary situation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
, the lifestyle of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
becomes
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
expensive and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
investing in multifarious high-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
products. To illustrate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
new cars when their salary
is increased
, though the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
car was functional and fulfilling all the requirements.
Secondly
, a vicious circle of never-ending wishes for materialistic things
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
, when a person
is overindulged
in shopping.
Therefore
, at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the month, they do not have funds in their banks, no matter how huge the salary is.
For Instance
, countless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
credit cards at month
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
as they are short of money.

Finally
, savings for the future
is minimized
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the extravagant style of living.
Moreover
, incorporating the king-size lifestyle is easy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
compromising lavish lifestyle during monetary issues is
extremely
painful.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
businessmen commit suicide after a business failure, as they are not able to degrade their standard of living.
However
, the circulation of money increases in the market, as the number of customer increases,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this cannot suffice for the problems
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go through by overspending.

In Conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
trapped in the cycle of earning high and spending high. Attaining a balance between spending and saving money is the main key to lead a quality life.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries, as people are earning more these days they are also spending money in buying more and more items. Do you think it is a positive or negative development v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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