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In many countries these days the number of people continuing their education after school has increased and the range of courses available at universities and colleges has also increased Do you think this as a positive or negative development v.1

In many countries these days the number of people continuing their education after school has increased and the range of courses available at universities and colleges has also increased Do you think this as a positive or negative development v. 1
In modern time, it is no longer difficult to see that a number of people are becoming fat, and they do not want any physical activities. So, it would be meaningful to discuss why such a problem has occurred and to suggest how to deal with this and how to make the citizen awakened. To begin with, there are several factors that why people are getting lazy and take constant unhealthy foods. Firstly, advanced technologies bring about convenient and comfortable occasions. Nowadays, people do not need to go their workplace and grocery stores in the sense that they can work and order at home. It naturally leads to the sedentary lifestyle to people and make them obese. Also some people do not have sufficient time to prepare their healthy meals so that they have decided to have fast-foods or canned foods due to the chronic busyness. Under these situations, I firmly of the opinion that the power of the government should indispensable. In the first place, the government should inform that how important the well-being foods are as well as how serious our body condition is, by exposing propaganda frequently. In this way, the government can encourage their public to exercising and deter from consuming the unhealthy cuisines. Another point worth mentioning is that the authorities should construct a lot of gym centres for the purpose of paying attention and stimulating to people. According to a recent survey, numerous people cannot exercise due to there are insufficient building related to exercising. So, if the government sets up many gym centres which have spacious facilities and diverse apparatuses, people are highly likely to go out and enjoy their leisure time to improve their health, while taking care of their diet either. In conclusion, there are several causes to decline individuals' health. But, I firmly am convinced that the government should tackle these social problems by adopting proper countermeasures very following day.
In modern time, it is no longer difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
, and they do not want any physical activities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it would be meaningful to discuss why such a problem has occurred and to suggest how to deal with this and how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the citizen awakened.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are several factors that why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting lazy and take constant unhealthy foods.
Firstly
, advanced technologies bring about convenient and comfortable occasions. Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not need to go their workplace and grocery stores in the sense that they can work and order at home. It
naturally
leads to the sedentary lifestyle to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them obese.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have sufficient time to prepare their healthy meals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they have decided to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-foods or canned foods due to the chronic busyness.

Under these situations, I
firmly
of the opinion that the power of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should indispensable. In the
first
place, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should inform that how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
the well-being foods are
as well
as how serious our body condition is, by exposing propaganda
frequently
. In this way, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can encourage their public to
Did you mean "exercise"?
exercising
and deter from consuming the unhealthy cuisines. Another point worth mentioning is that the authorities should construct
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
gym
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
for the purpose of paying attention and stimulating to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. According to a recent survey, numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot exercise due to there are insufficient building related to exercising.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
sets up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
gym
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
which have spacious facilities and diverse apparatuses,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
highly
likely to go out and enjoy their leisure time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their health, while taking care of their diet either.

In conclusion
, there are several causes to decline individuals' health.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, I
firmly
am convinced
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should tackle these social problems by adopting proper countermeasures
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
following day.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay In many countries these days the number of people continuing their education after school has increased and the range of courses available at universities and colleges has also increased Do you think this as a positive or negative development v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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