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In many countries, an increase in crime has been blamed on violent images on television and in computer and video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.5

In many countries, an increase in crime has been blamed on violent images on television and in computer and video games. with this opinion? v. 5
In many countries, violence on television and in computer and video games as a link to an increase in crime has been widely discussed in recent years. From my perspective, I am not convinced that the violence in the entertainment media is responsible for the increasing crime rate in society. First of all, not any child watching brutalities in movies or games are badly affected. For instance, many children enjoy watching action movies and playing video games with their family members, but they are still fine in terms of their character and personality. The young also understand well that what they see on television and in games are unrealistic things made up just for entertainment purpose; hence, they will not try to imitate such actions. Moreover, children are mostly influenced by the people they grow up with. Therefore, their antisocial behavior or even criminal tendencies may proceed from their parents’ inappropriate demeanor and dissolute friends. Research indicates that the majority of criminals come from underprivileged families in which parents are uneducated. In some cases, many offenders admit having participated out of their friends’ enticement. Opponents may argue that entertainment media is the root cause of the increase in crime rate. However, there is probably no concrete evidence for that fact. Also, in a great number of regions, the high crime rate often results from some other reasons such as poverty and political instability. Obviously, violence in games and movies can not be held responsible for the increase in crime. To sum up, there is a variety of contributory factors in the development of crime commitment. Therefore, the entertainment media cannot be considered the main cause of increasing crime rate in community.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, violence on television and in computer and video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as a link to an increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
has been
widely
discussed in recent years. From my perspective, I am not convinced that the violence in the entertainment media is responsible for the increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
in society.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, not any child watching brutalities in movies or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are
badly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
children enjoy watching action movies and playing video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
with their family members,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are
still
fine in terms of their character and personality. The young
also
understand well that what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
on television and in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are unrealistic things made up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for entertainment purpose;
hence
, they will not try to imitate such actions.

Moreover
, children are
mostly
influenced by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
they grow up with.
Therefore
, their antisocial behavior or even criminal tendencies may proceed from their parents’ inappropriate demeanor and dissolute friends. Research indicates that the majority of criminals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from underprivileged families in which parents
are uneducated
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
offenders admit having participated out of their friends’ enticement.

Opponents may argue that entertainment media is the root cause of the increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
.
However
, there is
probably
no concrete evidence for that fact.
Also
, in a great number of regions, the high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
results from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other reasons such as poverty and political instability.
Obviously
, violence in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and movies can not
be held
responsible for the increase in crime.

To sum up, there is a variety of contributory factors in the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
commitment.
Therefore
, the entertainment media cannot
be considered
the main cause of increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
in community.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
We should learn languages because language is the only thing worth knowing even poorly.
Kató Lomb

IELTS essay In many countries, an increase in crime has been blamed on violent images on television and in computer and video games. with this opinion? v. 5

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
281 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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