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Some people think that should stop teaching student by using books, because student find them boring and that children can learn from films, TV, video game and computer instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people think that should stop teaching student by using books, because student find them boring and that children can learn from films, TV, video game and computer instead. v. 1
It is true that advance in technology become increasingly common for people, particularly children who are encourage to learn by providing necessary information in movies, TV programs, online game and computer instead of using book is the best method that pupil can be learn. While many people believe that these benefit the most of education. I disagree completely with this trends. On the one hand, traditional methods for its advantages by using book are suitable for all age and practical for the goal of universal education. Firstly, children will have an satisfation and motivation to acquired more experiences and skills if they can access the wide range of enjoyable and fun materials, particularly interactive-reading activities associate with enthusiastic teacher. Secondly, it is practical for non-profit companies to reach achievement of one million book for pupil who have lower-level background. For example, “ngày hội sách việt nam” campaign. This not only promote creativity of the young on reading. it also advertised reading culture and charitable donations as an meaningful action. On the other hand, learning from TV programs, game online, films also brings for children other kind of interests, stimulating their abilities and national pride but it would have some drawback in some extents. One reason for that children will ignored useful advises of their parents who even focus a much more time on entertainment programs if they not have an supervision of parental involvement. Another reason for that practicing exercise and physical activities in outside are not a top priority of the young. In conclusion, although these have some obvious advantages. I believe that it is better in which people should motivate on children reading book on daily basis because of a welcome change instead of using online foundation to learn something.
It is true that advance in technology become
increasingly
common for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
particularly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are
Consider using a past participle here: "encouraged".
encourage
Did you mean "learning"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'encourage' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to learn
by providing necessary information in movies, TV programs, online game and computer
instead
of using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
is the best method that pupil can be
Consider using the past participle "learned", "learnt"?
learn
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that these benefit the
Consider using "most education" or "most of the education".
most of education
. I disagree completely with
Did you mean "these"?
this
trends.

On the one hand, traditional methods for its advantages by using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
are suitable for all age and practical for the goal of universal education.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will have
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
Possible spelling mistake found.
satisfation
and motivation to acquired more experiences and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
if they can access the wide range of enjoyable and fun materials,
particularly
interactive-reading activities associate with enthusiastic teacher.
Secondly
, it is practical for non-profit
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to reach achievement of one million
Possible agreement error. The noun 'book' seems to be countable, so consider using: "books".
book
for pupil who have lower-level background.
For example
, “
Possible spelling mistake found.
ngày
Possible spelling mistake found.
hội
Possible spelling mistake found.
sách
Possible spelling mistake found.
việt
Possible spelling mistake found.
nam
” campaign. This not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
promote creativity of the young on reading.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
also
advertised reading culture and charitable donations as
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
meaningful action.

On the other hand
, learning from TV programs, game online, films
also
brings for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
other kind of interests, stimulating their abilities and national pride
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it would have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawback in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extents. One reason for that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
useful advises of their parents who even focus a much more time on entertainment programs if they not have
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
supervision of parental involvement. Another reason for that practicing exercise and physical activities in outside are not a top priority of the young.

In conclusion
, although these have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
obvious advantages. I believe that it is better in which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should motivate on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
on daily basis
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a welcome
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
instead
of using online foundation to learn something.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
17Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that should stop teaching student by using books, because student find them boring and that children can learn from films, TV, video game and computer instead. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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