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In many cities young people prefer shopping as a form of leisure activity why do you this this happens and is positive or negative development v.2

In many cities young people prefer shopping as a form of leisure activity why do you this this happens and is positive or negative development v. 2
In recent times, culture has been shifting from need of certain things to show-off. Specially, young generation are more worried about how they look than what they are doing. Because of this trend, they tend to spend more time and money on shopping and it became their hobby. Let us begin by looking at some of the causes of this development. Firstly, youngsters are becoming fashion freak and by looking at them, companies and designers are coming up with innovative and myriad of choices. Due to this young people spend like they are in the race of looking unique and trendy. This sometime lead to overburden on their pocket just to fill their wardrobe with variety of apparel. Another major reason is following celebrity culture. For example, once the new movie is released, sales of the dresses worn by actress increases rampantly. Dressing up in the presentable attire based on the occasion is never been an issue but being reckless spender in my opinion is the negative development. By doing this, people are wasting their time and money both. If youth invest their time for some active leisure activity, it will help their mental and physical development. For instance, one of the recent study revealed that, the time one spend in leisure activity is directly linked to their psychological functioning. In conclusion, current trending hobby of shopping in cities have many negative impacts. Despite of the fact that one should be dressed decently according to occasion, instead of impulsive spending on a shopping as a leisure, young people should spend on active leisure activity which can help improve their cognitive ability.
In recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
, culture has been shifting from need of certain things to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
-off.
Specially
, young generation are more worried about how they look than what they are doing.
Because of this
trend, they tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and money on shopping and it became their hobby.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
by looking at
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
causes of this development.
Firstly
, youngsters are becoming fashion freak and by looking at them,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and designers are coming up with innovative and myriad of choices. Due to this young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
like they are in the race of looking unique and trendy. This sometime lead to overburden on their pocket
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to fill their wardrobe with variety of apparel. Another major reason is following celebrity culture.
For example
, once the new movie
is released
, sales of the dresses worn by actress increases
rampantly
.

Dressing up in the presentable attire based on the occasion is never been an issue
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
being reckless spender in my opinion is the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development. By doing this,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are wasting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and money both. If youth invest their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
activity, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their mental and physical development.
For instance
, one of the recent study revealed that, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
activity is
directly
linked to their psychological functioning.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
trending hobby of shopping in cities have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts.
Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
the fact that one should
be dressed
decently
according to occasion,
instead
of impulsive spending on a shopping as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
on active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
activity which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their cognitive ability.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay In many cities young people prefer shopping as a form of leisure activity why do you this this happens and is positive or negative development v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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