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In many cities, young people prefer shopping as a form of leisure activity, why do you think this happens and is it a positive or negative development? v.1

In many cities, young people prefer shopping as a form of leisure activity, why do you think this happens and is it a positive or negative development? v. 1
In the era of urbanization, shopping complexes can easily be seen at everywhere. As the standard of living increases, a majority of adolescents spend more time at there more often, as it is a part of relaxation moment for them these days. However, in my opinion, I believe that this can brings a negative impact to the young generation. First of all, shopping complex is where most people go to shop necessary item and goods for the necessity needs and at the same time, there is some shop where they can enjoy themselves such as café, game arcade and movie theater. For this reason, the children tend to enjoy spending their leisure time at there rather than in the outdoors. Despites of that, the teenagers use their parent’s money to enjoy themselves as going to these places requires extra cash to pay for the expenditures. Therefore, this leads to overspending their money on things that are unnecessary to them. Eventually, they will be more obsessed in spending more money just to have a good time. For example, there are reports stated teenagers in Malaysia spend about RM 100 per month just by going to the theater as they go every time a new movie is released. Besides that, frequently going to the shopping mall can jeopardized their academic results as they spend less time at home doing their revision. Furthermore, lack of supervision of their parent can lead to bad behavior and began to rebel against their parents and the society. For instance, a study showed that students that spends time in the super mall tends to skip classes from school more often and having lower academic result in the examination. Moreover, students are spending more time in shopping complexes are likely to involve in crimes such as snatch theft and burglary as they desperately need more cash to waste on item and services in the super mall. In conclusion, it is clearly a negative impact towards the development of the future generation to spend their valuable time on mere shopping. Therefore, parents are urged to keep an eye in their children’s activities and only allow them when they are mature enough to make reasonable decision.
In the era of urbanization,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
complexes can
easily
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
at everywhere. As the standard of living increases, a majority of adolescents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at there more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
, as it is a part of relaxation moment for them these days.
However
, in my opinion, I believe that this can
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "bring"
brings
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact to the young generation.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
complex is where most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
go to shop necessary item and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
for the necessity needs and at the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
shop where they can enjoy themselves such as café, game arcade and movie theater.
For this reason
, the children tend to enjoy spending their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at there
rather
than in the outdoors.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Despites
of that, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent’s
money to enjoy themselves as going to these places requires extra cash to pay for the expenditures.
Therefore
, this leads to overspending their money on things that are unnecessary to them.
Eventually
, they will be more obsessed in spending more money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
For example
, there are reports stated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
in Malaysia
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
about RM 100 per month
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
by going to the theater as they go every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
a new movie
is released
.

Besides
that,
frequently
going to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
mall can jeopardized their academic results as they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at home doing their revision.
Furthermore
, lack of supervision of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
can lead to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
behavior and began to rebel against their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and the society.
For instance
, a study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that students that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spends
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in the super mall tends to skip classes from school more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
and having lower academic result in the examination.
Moreover
, students are spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
complexes are likely to involve in crimes such as snatch theft and burglary as they
desperately
need more cash to waste on item and services in the super mall.

In conclusion
, it is
clearly
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact towards the development of the future generation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on mere
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are urged
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye in their children’s activities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them when they are mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
reasonable decision.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay In many cities, young people prefer shopping as a form of leisure activity, why do you think this happens and is it a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
366 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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