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In many cities young people prefer shopping as a form of leisure activity, why do you think this happens and is positive or negative development? v.2

In many cities young people prefer shopping as a form of leisure activity, why do you think this happens and is positive or negative development? v. 2
It has become a common phenomenon that some youngsters have an urgent deserve of buying things and show-off to other people. And even in some case, those young generation buying thing just because most people buy it and ignore whether it is useful to them or not. Because of this trend, they tend to spend more time and money on shopping than the pass. Firstly, with the fast technology development of mass media tools, youngsters have more opportunity to get in touch with the latest fashion. Some company and designers have produced very attractive advertisements and invited famous celebrities to endorse their productions, to make the production become a fashion to youngsters. Obviously it works very well, but sometimes it leads to overburden on young people’s pocket when they just want to keep in pace with those fashion. Moreover, people who are not style-conscious fans also cannot escape from advertisements and herb effect. When seeing lots of people surrounded using the production, they tend to but the same one, to ensure that they keep in pace with others. However, those advertisers’ tricks like this affect people’s determination and making them more and more shopping than ever. In my opinion, this is a negative trend since young people are wasting their money by buying things they actually don’t need. Too much shopping, whatever going shopping or online shopping, can affect youngsters’ work and life and some of them even are out of money because of impulse consumption. At last, young people should spend time and money on active leisure than other activities.
It has become a common phenomenon that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
youngsters have an urgent deserve of buying things and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
-off to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. And even in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
case, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation buying thing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
whether it is useful to them or not.
Because of this
trend, they tend to spend more time and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
than the pass.

Firstly
, with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
technology development of mass media tools, youngsters have more opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in touch with the latest fashion.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and designers have produced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
attractive advertisements and invited
Consider using "celebrities".
famous celebrities
to endorse their productions, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the production become a fashion to youngsters.
Obviously
it works
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
it leads to overburden on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
pocket when they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in pace with those fashion.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are not style-conscious fans
also
cannot escape from advertisements and herb effect. When seeing lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
surrounded using the production, they tend to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the same one, to ensure that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in pace with others.
However
, those advertisers’ tricks like this affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
determination and making them more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
than ever.

In my opinion, this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trend since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are wasting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
by buying things they actually don’t need. Too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
, whatever going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
or online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
, can affect youngsters’ work and life and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them even are out of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of impulse consumption. At last,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should spend time and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on active
Use "(leisure)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
leisure
than other activities.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay In many cities young people prefer shopping as a form of leisure activity, why do you think this happens and is positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
261 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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