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In many cities young people prefer shopping as a form of leisure activity why do you this this happens and is positive or negative development v.1

In many cities young people prefer shopping as a form of leisure activity why do you this this happens and is positive or negative development v. 1
Health is indeed wealth. Some believe that Individuals should take care of their wellness and not the authorities. I partially agree with this perception, and this essay will explain the reasons for the same. A primary reason why they believe so is that we know our body habits than anyone else. In other words, human being's anatomy might be the same, but the way each body function is different. For instance, some food could be allergic to a person X, and the same might be an excellent metabolic intake for you. Therefore, you are the best judge to select the choice that best suits your well being. On the other hand, there are many, including myself, who believe that it is impactful if health ministry takes care of individuals during some crisis as they have control over the regulations. By this, I mean, when some life-threatening virus or diseases creep into the society, the government should make the population's health as a priority by allocating appropriate resources. To illustrate, currently, there is a global panic pertaining to Coronavirus, as of now, 0. 1 million are reported positive for the test. In such situations, individuals may not have the power to mitigate the risk, and it is the government that can play a vital role in resolving the issue. Certainly, in some situations, it is Government bodies who have to take measures to protect its population's wellness. To conclude, although Individuals are best to take care of their health, not every time it is the case, as there are times where the government has to strive to protect individuals from some fatal disease.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
is
indeed
wealth.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Individuals
should take care of their wellness and not the authorities.

I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this perception, and this essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the reasons for the same.

A primary reason why they believe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
is that we know our body habits than anyone else.
In other words
, human being's anatomy might be the same,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the way each body function is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
food could be allergic to a person X, and the same might be an excellent metabolic intake for you.
Therefore
, you are the best judge to select the choice that best suits your
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
, including myself, who believe that it is impactful if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
ministry takes care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
during
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
crisis as they have control over the regulations. By this, I mean, when
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
life-threatening virus or diseases creep into the society, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the population's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
as a priority by allocating appropriate resources. To illustrate,
currently
, there is a global panic pertaining to Coronavirus, as of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, 0. 1 million
are reported
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
. In such situations,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
may not have the power to mitigate the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
, and it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
that can play a vital role in resolving the issue.
Certainly
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
situations, it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
bodies who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take measures to protect its population's wellness.

To conclude
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Individuals
are best to take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, not every time it is the case, as there are
It is better to use 'times' with the time-relative pronoun 'when': "times when". (Alternatively, use 'in/on which')
times where
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
strive to protect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fatal disease.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In many cities young people prefer shopping as a form of leisure activity why do you this this happens and is positive or negative development v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
272 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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