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In many cities, there are areas of land that are used as parks. With increasing population levels, these areas would be better used to provide more housing. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

In many cities, there are areas of land that are used as parks. With increasing population levels, these areas would be better used to provide more housing. v. 1
In these days, the increasing market demands in the entertainment industry have aroused people’s discussion. However, It is argued by some that the popularity of portable appliances has a negative effect on individuals and the society lifestyle. From my belief, I totally agree with this idea. To begin with, high-tech entertainment can sharpen important skills and positive values, which explains the reason why people support for that. In fact, people in the past used to play traditional games which need lack of brainstorming effort. However, since technology allowed games to be more complicated, an advanced combination of knowledges, skills and creativity are required to generate an appropriate and effective strategy. By simulating young players’ brain and sensitivity, games cultivate their imagination and problem-solving skills. Consequently, modern games on handed devices have transformed into a valuable tool that raise people’s mind more creative and sophisticated. There are, on the other hand, some pitfalls that can easily overshadow the potential benefits of modern entertainment. First, since video game can be easily addicted, many young people these days spend too much time for their devices, and therefore isolate themselves from their families and friends. This lack of face-to-face interactions not only hurts many real-life relationships, but also increases the risk of getting mental health issues among the youth. When people waste large amounts of times on video games, they tend to less physically active, which can eventually lead to a society of people leading a sedentary lifestyle. Moreover, lack of exercise over a long period of time makes people vulnerable to metabolic diseases such as, abnormal cholesterol or triglyceride levels, causing the deterioration of health and burdening a country’s health care system. In conclusion, I strongly believe that it makes more sense for the negative effect of handed devices, for the reason provided above, by living in a sedentary lifestyle, people are increasing the liability of getting metabolic diseases.
In these days, the increasing market demands in the entertainment industry have aroused
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
discussion.
However
, It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that the popularity of portable appliances has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on individuals and the society lifestyle. From my belief, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, high-tech entertainment can sharpen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
values, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explains
the reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
support for that. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the past
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to play traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
which need lack of brainstorming effort.
However
, since technology
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
to be more complicated, an advanced combination of
Possible spelling mistake found.
knowledges
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and creativity
are required
to generate an appropriate and effective strategy. By simulating young players’ brain and sensitivity,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
cultivate their imagination and problem-solving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Consequently
, modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on handed devices have transformed into a valuable tool that raise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
mind more creative and sophisticated.

There are,
on the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pitfalls that can
easily
overshadow the potential benefits of modern entertainment.
First
, since video game can be
easily
addicted,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
these days spend too much time for their devices, and
therefore
isolate themselves from their families and friends. This lack of face-to-face interactions not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
hurts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
real-life relationships,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
increases the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of getting mental health issues among the youth. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
waste large amounts of times on video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, they tend to less
physically
active, which can
eventually
lead to a society of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
leading a sedentary lifestyle.
Moreover
, lack of exercise over a long period of time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
vulnerable to metabolic diseases such as, abnormal cholesterol or triglyceride levels, causing the deterioration of health and burdening a country’s health care system.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
more sense for the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect of handed devices, for the reason provided above, by living in a sedentary lifestyle,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are increasing the liability of getting metabolic diseases.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In many cities, there are areas of land that are used as parks. With increasing population levels, these areas would be better used to provide more housing. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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