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in many cities the pollution is increasing. some says that the urbanisation process denies us knowing our neighbours and this causes a loss of community sense. what is the main problem with this what measure can be taken v.1

in many cities the pollution is increasing. some says that the urbanisation process denies us knowing our neighbours and this causes a loss of community sense. what is the main problem with this what measure can be taken v. 1
It is argued by some people that the money spent on exploring the space is being wasted since there are more important things that require these finances. I disagree with this notion, as space explorations result in more discoveries useful for humans, while it provides employment opportunities for more people. First of all, the space exploration has provided new discoveries beneficial for humans. In other words, there are new findings in various sectors derived from exploring the space and much more could be discovered. For example, during the early years of discovering things outside our immediate atmosphere, the Magnetic Resonance Imaging machine, which was used to view other galaxies is now use for medical imaging. Although, the money could have been used for infrastructure developments and health care, however, many people would have being dying from diseases that could not be diagnosed. This shows the importance of space exploration technology. Furthermore, the space industry creates employment opportunities for many people. This occurs because the industry is huge and it is ever expanding. Thus, there are job offers for astronauts, physicists and mechanical engineers. For example, a recent report by the Times Magazine revealed that a third of the physicists in the United States of America are employed in the space industry. Despite the fact that the money could have been used to finance the public transportation system in many countries, the enormous number of people in the space exploration industry justifies the money spent. In conclusion, I disagree with the notion that space exploration does not worth the amount of money spent on it owing to the discoveries from it and the numerous job offers.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
spent on exploring the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
is
being wasted
since there are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things that require these finances. I disagree with this notion, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
explorations
result in more discoveries useful for humans, while it provides employment opportunities for more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exploration
has provided new discoveries beneficial for humans.
In other words
, there are new findings in various sectors derived from exploring the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
and much more could
be discovered
.
For example
, during the early years of discovering things outside our immediate atmosphere, the Magnetic Resonance Imaging machine, which was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to view other galaxies is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
Consider using a past participle here: "used".
use
for medical imaging. Although, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
could have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for infrastructure developments and health care,
however
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would have being dying from diseases that could not
be diagnosed
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exploration
technology.

Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
creates employment opportunities for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. This occurs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
is huge and it is ever expanding.
Thus
, there are job offers for astronauts, physicists and mechanical engineers.
For example
, a recent report by the Times Magazine revealed that a third of the physicists in the United States of America
are employed
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
. Despite the fact that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
could have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to finance the public transportation system in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, the enormous number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exploration
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
justifies the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
spent.

In conclusion
, I disagree with the notion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exploration
does not worth the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
spent on it owing to the discoveries from it and the numerous job offers.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay in many cities the pollution is increasing. some says that the urbanisation process denies us knowing our neighbours and this causes a loss of community sense. what is the main problem with this what measure can be taken v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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