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Some people believe school children should be given multiple short vacations while others believe they should get one long vacation. Give advantage for both and your point of view. v.4

Some people believe school children should be given multiple short vacations while others believe they should get one long vacation. Give advantage for both and your point of view. v. 4
Many children are involved in a variety of salaried work in many countries. While some people think it is completely wrong, others believe that it is better for their work experience, and vital for becoming responsible adults. However, I would argue that paid work helps children to learn and become responsible people. One of the possible reasons why some believe that paid work in children is wrong, is that they could be exposed to occupational hazards while working. Some of the places where children are permitted to work include; nightclubs, or construction sites. Most of the time, children are usually not matured enough to handle the dangers of working in these places. For example, a child could get beaten up during a fight at the night club, or get injured while lifting heavy construction equipments. Also, children are usually paid lesser than adults. This might make employers want to employ more children in order to maximise profit, thus, promoting child labour. However, I believe that making children do some form of work with pay, helps them to become responsible people and gives them experience. When children engage in this form of work and get paid, they can understand the value of money and learn how to spend responsibly. Furthermore, when children are involved in some work, especially during the holidays, it keeps them busy and off the streets. For instance, during the summer, teenagers could work as a salesgirl or sales boy in a store, instead of partying during this period. In conclusion, while some people feel it is wrong to encourage children to do some paid work, I am of the opinion that paid work helps children to become responsible with money, reduce the incidence of irresponsible behaviour and help them to build a good work experience.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are involved
in a variety of salaried
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
, others believe that it is better for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience, and vital for becoming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
adults.
However
, I would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn and become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

One of the possible reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
, is that they could
be exposed
to occupational hazards while working.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
places where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are permitted
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
include; nightclubs, or construction sites. Most of the time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
usually
not matured
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to handle the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of working in these places.
For example
, a child could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
beaten up during a fight at the night club, or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
injured while lifting heavy construction equipments.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
usually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
lesser than adults. This might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
employers want to employ more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in order to
Possible spelling mistake. 'maximise' is British English.
maximise
profit,
thus
, promoting child
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
.

However
, I believe that making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
form of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with pay,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
them to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and gives them experience. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
engage in this form of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
, they can understand the value of money and learn how to spend
responsibly
.
Furthermore
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are involved
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
especially
during the holidays, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
them busy and off the streets.
For instance
, during the summer,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as a salesgirl or sales boy in a store,
instead
of partying during this period.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, I am of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
with money,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the incidence of irresponsible
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to build a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe school children should be given multiple short vacations while others believe they should get one long vacation. Give advantage for both and your point of view. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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