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In general, should cities devote more resources to attracting more industries or to protecting the environment? Explain your answer. v.1

In general, should cities devote more resources to attracting more industries or to protecting the environment? Explain your answer. v. 1
It is irrefutable that the gaming industry has risen significantly. There are many people, who are worried about the excessive use of indoor gaming by the adolescent and teenagers. They are tense about the increasing physical and mental issues it could lead to. In this essay, I will explain some of the problems associate with computer gaming in youngsters and propose some solutions. The most significant disadvantage of indoor activity is the lack of physical exercises. Also, we know that physical activity is good for mental health. For example, as per the research by one of the renowned University, anyone who does recreation activities on a regular base is considered to take better decisions than the person who is not physically active. As a solution, school going children should always be encouraged to take one sport as a hobby, which will keep them active. As a result, the use of computer or any other console for gaming purpose will decrease. On the other hand, computer gaming has its own advantages. Sometimes, the weather restricts you from going outside. For instance, in some places it snows a lot and not everyone can afford to pay for the indoor arena. In contrast, they try to get together and have some fun playing computer games. Evidently, In such scenario, no child is playing it excessively and if they are doing turn it's even better. Also, It should be the parent's responsibility by not allowing their child to use computer continuously. As a consequence, he would not be addicted to playing and stay in front of his computer all day. In conclusion, Whereas gaming does bring a great form of entertainment. In my view, there are numerous ways to restrict children from using computer in excess. I have presented few solutions, which in my opinions are most important.
It is irrefutable that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
industry has risen
significantly
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, who
are worried
about the excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of indoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
by the adolescent and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. They are tense about the increasing physical and mental issues it could lead to. In this essay, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
problems associate with computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
in youngsters and propose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions.

The most significant disadvantage of indoor activity is the lack of physical exercises.
Also
, we know that physical activity is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for mental health.
For example
, as per the research by one of the renowned University, anyone who does recreation activities on a regular base
is considered
to take better decisions than the person who is not
physically
active. As a solution, school going children should always
be encouraged
to take one sport as a hobby, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them active.
As a result
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computer or any other console for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
purpose will decrease.

On the other hand
, computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
advantages.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, the weather restricts you from going outside.
For instance
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
places it snows a lot and not everyone can afford to pay for the indoor arena.
In contrast
, they try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
together and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fun playing computer games.
Evidently
, In such scenario, no child is playing it
excessively
and if they are doing turn it's even better.
Also
, It should be the parent's responsibility by not allowing their child to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
computer
continuously
. As a consequence, he would not
be addicted
to playing and stay in front of his computer all day.

In conclusion
, Whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
does bring a great form of entertainment. In my view, there are numerous ways to restrict children from using computer in excess. I have presented few solutions, which in my opinions are most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In general, should cities devote more resources to attracting more industries or to protecting the environment? Explain your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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