Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of this phenomenon. v.5

In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of this phenomenon. v. 5
Statistics show that people are living longer now than they used to in previous centuries. There are several reasons for this and the improvement in treatment and in medical science in the main reason for that longer life expectancy. I will point out a few of them below. First of all, a few hundred years ago mankind suffered from many different kinds of diseases which are very well cured now. The achievements of contemporary medicine allow people to live with artificial arms, hands, legs and even hearts. Recently I read a few articles in the magazines about a man with an implanted artificial heart and a woman who had an implanted chipset in her head to make her happier. Additionally, many viruses are defeated nowadays with the modern vaccines and many pills help us to relieve pain. Second of all, the conditions of lives are greatly improved. A man chiefly does not have to sleep on the wet and cold ground, defense himself from predators in the wild forests and fight for his life. The wide extension of fast food stands, buffets and restaurants give people the opportunity to have full and nutritious meals whenever they need to. Many entertaining centres offer a wide variety of services where you can leave your troubles behind and just relax. Again, the technological advancement like the Internet has made the information available to many people. People no longer need to consult a doctor to know about a disease and cure. People can surf the internet themselves and can get some medical advice they require to get fit.   But the longer life span does not come automatically unless people start living a healthy life. The modern world gives the opportunity to live a healthy life if someone wants to have one. All of these things mentioned above allow people to maintain a healthy lifestyle, spend more time with his family and friends and make their life longer and happier.
Statistics
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
than they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to in previous centuries. There are several reasons for this and the improvement in treatment and in medical science in the main reason for that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy. I will point out a few of them below.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a few hundred years ago mankind suffered from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of diseases which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well cured
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. The achievements of contemporary medicine
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with artificial arms, hands, legs and even hearts. Recently I read a few articles in the magazines about a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
with an implanted artificial heart and a woman who had an implanted chipset in her head to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
her happier.
Additionally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
viruses
are defeated
nowadays with the modern vaccines and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
pills
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to relieve pain.

Second of all, the conditions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
are
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
chiefly
does not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
sleep on the wet and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
ground, defense himself from predators in the wild forests and fight for his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. The wide extension of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food stands, buffets and restaurants give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
the opportunity to have full and nutritious meals whenever they need to.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
entertaining
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
offer a wide variety of services where you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
your troubles behind and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
relax.

Again, the technological advancement like the Internet has made the information available to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
need to consult a doctor to know about a disease and cure.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can surf the internet themselves and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
medical advice they require to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
fit.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
span does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
automatically
unless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
living a healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. The modern world gives the opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
if someone wants to have one.

All of these things mentioned above
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to maintain a healthy lifestyle, spend more time with his family and friends and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
and happier.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of this phenomenon. v. 5

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
326 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts