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In general, people are living longer now. Which of the following do you think is the main cause of this phenomenon? •Technological improvements•Changes to education systems•Improvements to our diets v.3

In general, people are living longer now. Which of the following do you think is the main cause of this phenomenon? •Technological improvements•Changes to education systems•Improvements to our diets v. 3
These days there are a lot of students who work while studying. Because of this tendency may lead to negative results, the number of adolescents who didactics for the task is growing. It seems to me that this question has certain causes and can be solved by taking special measures. It is obvious that most of the students who job has many financial expenses to meet. One common cause is the high cost of discipline. As many colleges and universities set high tuition fees, some families cannot fully afford the higher education for their children. Consequently, these students have to work to pay university and college fees. The other cause is living expenses. Many students study away from hometown, and have to pay for accommodation, food, entertainment etc. As it is often hard to cover these expenses, students are forced to earn money to afford their living. Personally, I think that the problem of students working during their study's results in lower quality of education and has no benefits other than paying the costs. I can suggest two possible solutions to this problem. Firstly, the government could make higher study free. For instance, this result can be achieved by financing educational establishments from the country’s budget. Not only will it make universities and colleges accessible for everyone, but it will also reduce the number of working students. The second solution is promoting unpaid e-learning. Such form of distance improvement doesn’t require a lot of resources to be maintained. What’s more, students don’t have to leave their homes and can plan their schedules the way they prefer. In conclusion, I believe that mainly lack of financial resources causes students to industry, but this obstacle can be solved by lowering the amount of financial expenses students have to meet.
These days there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who work while studying.
Because of this
tendency may lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
results, the number of adolescents who didactics for the task is growing. It seems to me that this question has certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
and can
be solved
by taking special measures.

It is obvious that most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who job has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
financial expenses to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
. One common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
is the high cost of discipline. As
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
colleges and universities set high tuition fees,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
families cannot
fully
afford the higher education for their children.
Consequently
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work to pay university and college fees. The other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
is living expenses.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
study away from hometown, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay for accommodation, food, entertainment etc. As it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to cover these expenses,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are forced
to earn money to afford their living.
Personally
, I 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the problem of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
working during their study's results in lower quality of education and has no benefits other than paying the costs.

I can suggest two possible solutions to this problem.
Firstly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
higher study free.
For instance
, this result can
be achieved
by financing educational establishments from the country’s budget. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
will it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
universities and colleges accessible for everyone,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the number of working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. The second solution is promoting unpaid e-learning. Such form of distance improvement doesn’t require
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
resources to
be maintained
. What’s more,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
don’t
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their homes and can plan their schedules the way they prefer.

In conclusion
, I believe that
mainly
lack of financial resources
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to industry,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this obstacle can
be solved
by lowering the amount of financial expenses
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay In general, people are living longer now. Which of the following do you think is the main cause of this phenomenon? •Technological improvements•Changes to education systems•Improvements to our diets v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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