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In education and employment, some people work harder than others. Why do some people work harder? Is it always a good thing to work hard? v.5

In education and employment, some people work harder than others. Why do some people work harder? Is it always a good thing to work hard? v. 5
While some people are more driven and persistent as students or workers, others seem to be relaxed and satisfied with what they are having. Personally, I believe that there are various reasons leading to the hard work ethic; while it is desirable up to a point, too much work will exert detrimental effects on the overall health. One fundamental reason is that people are pressurized by the expectations of their families and the society. In Vietnam, for example, failing to exhibit spectacular academic performance, students may be penalized for such failures. Another reason is the determination to escape from the poverty and create a completely new life. Leading an impoverished life is incredibly challenging, which is a stimulus to the diligence in the workplace or at school. The last reason is that they have found their particular interests in and passions for the fields in which they are working. This explains why they feel considerably more motivated, enjoyed, and willing to dedicate the whole life to exploring what they deeply love. People can reap a multiplicity of benefits from being hard-working. In the realm of education, students with studious habits are more likely to be academic high-flyers and be admitted to top-notch institutions. Likewise, in an employment setting, industrious and committed workers stand much higher chances to rise to the top and become the leaders of teams or the managers of companies. Nevertheless, the strong desire for hard work has become an unhealthy obsession among some people. Indeed, taking an excessive workload can result in somatic and psychological problems such as headaches, backaches, and distress. In conclusion, people in different situations have different reasons to work hard to achieve their personal goals. Although working hard is beneficial in some aspects, people work very long hours, to the detriment of their health.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more driven and persistent as students or workers, others seem to
be relaxed
and satisfied with what they are having.
Personally
, I believe that there are various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
leading to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
ethic; while it is desirable up to a point, too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
will exert detrimental effects on the
overall
health.

One fundamental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are pressurized
by the expectations of their families and the society. In Vietnam,
for example
, failing to exhibit spectacular academic performance, students may
be penalized
for such failures. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is the determination to escape from the poverty and create a completely new life. Leading an impoverished life is
incredibly
challenging, which is a stimulus to the diligence in the workplace or at school. The last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is that they have found their particular interests in and passions for the fields in which they are working. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explains
why they feel
considerably
more motivated, enjoyed, and willing to dedicate the whole life to exploring what they
deeply
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
can reap a multiplicity of benefits from being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working. In the realm of education, students with studious habits are more likely to be academic high-flyers and
be admitted
to top-notch institutions.
Likewise
, in an employment setting, industrious and committed workers stand much higher chances to rise to the top and become the leaders of teams or the managers of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.
Nevertheless
, the strong desire for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
has become an unhealthy obsession among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Indeed
, taking an excessive workload can result in somatic and psychological problems such as headaches, backaches, and distress.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
situations have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
to achieve their personal goals. Although working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
is beneficial in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
aspects,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
long hours, to the detriment of their health.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay In education and employment, some people work harder than others. Why do some people work harder? Is it always a good thing to work hard? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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