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in case of problems, some prefer to get advice from family and friends. others prefer to learn through personal experience. which method is better and why? v.2

in case of problems, some prefer to get advice from family and friends. others prefer to learn through personal experience. which method is better and why? v. 2
Nowadays, an increasing number of small local shops are closing due to the fact that customers prefer shopping in large shopping centres instead. I believe it is a negative development as it is detrimental to local people for many reasons. Local shops provide employment opportunities for many local people and closing them means increasing unemployment rates. For instance, many families have run these small shops for years, yet they are forced to close due to customers not buying from them. As a consequence, these families might run into debt and face poverty since their shops are their sole income. It is detrimental to local people when affordable local shops close. Countless individuals cannot afford to buy from malls since they are more expensive than small shops due to their high rental prices. As a result, these individuals are threatened as they are not able to buy what they need from the closest malls and are forced to travel to distant affordable shops, which is costly since petrol prices are on the rise. Finally, large shopping centres are always crowded, as a result, their air is polluted and there is a high chance of spreading infections. This is especially dangerous for people with weak immune systems, such as elders and children, as well as people suffering from respiratory diseases. Furthermore, when there is an epidemic, people cannot shop in these large malls as it becomes extremely dangerous and polluted and, consequently, they are forced to look for small local shops near them. In conclusion, closing small shops in local areas has severe consequences as it increases unemployment, harms people who cannot afford to shop in large malls, and exposes mall visitors to pollution and infections.
Nowadays, an increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
are closing due to the fact that customers prefer shopping in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
instead
. I believe it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development as it is detrimental to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons.

Local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
provide employment opportunities for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and closing them means increasing unemployment rates.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families have run these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
for years,
yet
they
are forced
to close due to customers not buying from them. As a consequence, these families might run into debt and face poverty since their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
are their sole income.

It is detrimental to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
when affordable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
close. Countless individuals cannot afford to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
since they are more expensive than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
due to their high rental prices.
As a result
, these individuals
are threatened
as they are not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
what they need from the closest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
and
are forced
to travel to distant affordable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
, which is costly since petrol prices are on the rise.

Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
are always crowded,
as a result
, their air
is polluted
and there is a high chance of spreading infections. This is
especially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with weak immune systems, such as elders and children,
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffering from respiratory diseases.
Furthermore
, when there is an epidemic,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
as it becomes
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
and polluted and,
consequently
, they
are forced
to look for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
near them.

In conclusion
, closing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
areas has severe consequences as it increases unemployment, harms
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who cannot afford to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
, and exposes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mall
visitors to pollution and infections.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay in case of problems, some prefer to get advice from family and friends. others prefer to learn through personal experience. which method is better and why? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
284 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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