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If you went to study in a different country with a different culture, would you prefer to adapt yourself to the new culture, or concentrate more on maintaining your own culture? v.1

If you went to study in a different country with a different culture, would you prefer to adapt yourself to the new culture, or concentrate more on maintaining your own culture? v. 1
The advent of the great era of hi-tech advancement and globalization has been offering citizens all around the world a wide range of options to choose from. Therefore, a great number of people assert that, in modern life, people face with countless of decisions to make on a daily basis. I am personally in all agreement with this statement as for the reasons illustrated as follows. In the first place, choices could be immensely various in terms of everyday activities. Firstly, thanks to the betterment in farming, people could access themselves to an unlimited range of agricultural products on offer in convenience and grocery stores such as meat or dairy products. Secondly, technology has also brought to humans an easier and more comfortable life to lead, which entails manifold decisions that people need to make daily. For example, a great number of kitchen utensils are manufactured to mitigate cooking problems, hence, people sometimes find it extremely confused when having to choose the best brands suiting their needs. Furthermore, there exist plentifully of applications available on mobile phone serving different purposes. Once again, phone users might feel stressful with regards to selecting the apps that have the most advantages. Nevertheless, choices, when considered under a bigger scale, could also vary considerably. One obvious situation could hold explanation for this is career paths. People, especially adolescents, are struggling with finding the true passions for themselves as the range of job opportunities are significantly large. The modern life requires a great demand for creative, energetic and eager youngsters to work in various fields such as biology, science, health care, and so on. Therefore, it could be nerve-racking for the young generation to opt for what they truly desire to pursue. Another major reason is that globalization demands every nation to compete in the intense global market for a steady position in the world. Consequently, national leaders and the government have to be very thoughtful in order to make the right decisions for the country’s sake regarding economy, education, trading, etc. In conclusion, I totally agree with the idea that the world right now are offering mankind abundant choices.
The advent of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
era of hi-tech advancement and globalization has been offering citizens all around the world a wide range of options to choose from.
Therefore
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
assert that, in modern life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
face with
Do not use "of" after "countless". Did you mean "countless decisions"?
countless of decisions
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
on a daily basis. I am
personally
in all agreement with this statement as for the reasons illustrated as follows.

In the
first
place, choices could be
immensely
various in terms of everyday activities.
Firstly
, thanks to the betterment in farming,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could access themselves to an unlimited range of agricultural products on offer in convenience and grocery stores such as meat or dairy products.
Secondly
, technology has
also
brought to humans an easier and more comfortable life to lead, which entails manifold decisions that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
daily.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
number of
Did you mean "kitchens"?
kitchen
utensils
are manufactured
to mitigate cooking problems,
hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
find it
extremely
confused when having to choose the best brands suiting their needs.
Furthermore
, there exist
plentifully
of applications available on mobile phone serving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
purposes. Once again, phone users might feel stressful
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
with regards to
selecting the apps that have the most advantages.

Nevertheless
, choices, when considered under a bigger scale, could
also
vary
considerably
. One obvious situation could hold explanation for this is career paths.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
,
especially
adolescents, are struggling with finding the true passions for themselves as the range of job opportunities are
significantly
large. The modern life requires a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
demand for creative, energetic and eager youngsters to work in various fields such as biology, science, health care, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Therefore
, it could be nerve-racking for the young generation to opt for what they
truly
desire to pursue. Another major reason is that globalization demands every nation to compete in the intense global market for a steady position in the world.
Consequently
, national leaders and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
thoughtful in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the right decisions for the country’s sake regarding economy, education, trading, etc.

In conclusion
, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that the world right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
are offering mankind abundant choices.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay If you went to study in a different country with a different culture, would you prefer to adapt yourself to the new culture, or concentrate more on maintaining your own culture? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
355 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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