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16. If you went to study in a different country with a different culture, would you prefer to adapt yourself to the new culture, or concentrate more on maintaining your ownculture? v.1

16. If you went to study in a different country with a different culture, would you prefer to adapt yourself to the new culture, or concentrate more on maintaining your ownculture? v. 1
The potential for the global media to shape the views of today’s youth is considerable. However, while some commentators think that the media has no place within secondary education, other analysts defend the idea that international news should be studied at school. In this essay, I shall examine a number of studies which show that both viewpoints are, to some degree, justified. To begin with, the global media undoubtedly enriches teenagers understanding of contemporary affairs. This is because television reports provide concise summaries of international affairs. For example, a study run by Oxford sociologists showed that the media heavily influenced teenagers’ knowledge of contemporary affairs. Since any secondary school education would be incomplete without an awareness of such events, it is therefore clear that the media can play a vital role in assisting education. On the other hand, many critics argue that teenagers are negatively affected by the global media’s focus on wars and civil unrest. This is because exposure to violence often leads to depression. For example, recent surveys have discovered that depressed teenagers usually cite the dismal state of the world as a source of their depression. Since mental health is an important objective of secondary education, it is therefore questionable whether the study of international news wouldn’t be a destructive and wasteful use of school resource. In conclusion, it should be clear that there are reasons for and against the study of news at school. Thus if media studies are to enter schools in the future, schools will have to think about how negative aspects of the news can be decreased, and positive aspects maximized.
The potential for the global
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media
to shape the views of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s youth is considerable.
However
, while
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some
commentators
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
has no place within secondary education, other analysts defend the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
should
be studied
at
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school
. In this essay, I shall examine a number of
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studies
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that both viewpoints are, to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
degree, justified.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the global
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media
undoubtedly
enriches
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teenagers
understanding of contemporary affairs. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
television reports provide concise summaries of international affairs.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
run by Oxford sociologists
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that the
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media
heavily
influenced
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teenagers’
knowledge of contemporary affairs. Since any secondary
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school
education would be incomplete without an awareness of such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, it is
therefore
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the
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media
can play a vital role in assisting education.

On the other hand
,
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many
critics argue that
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teenagers
are
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the global
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media’s
focus on wars and civil unrest. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
exposure to violence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
leads to depression.
For example
, recent surveys have discovered that depressed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
usually
cite the dismal state of the world as a source of their depression. Since mental health is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
objective of secondary education, it is
therefore
questionable whether the
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study
of international
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news
wouldn’t be a destructive and wasteful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
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school
resource.

In conclusion
, it should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that there are reasons for and against the
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study
of
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news
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
if
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media
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
are to enter
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schools
in the future,
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schools
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
can
be decreased
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects maximized.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay 16. If you went to study in a different country with a different culture, would you prefer to adapt yourself to the new culture, or concentrate more on maintaining your ownculture? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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