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If you have an opportunity to send your child to study abroad, would you have him/her educated in the US or in your home country? v.2

If you have an opportunity to send your child to study abroad, would you have him/her educated in the US or in your home country? v. 2
If I have an opportunity, I will have my child educated in the US. There are three reasons for this. First, my child can learn English better. Second, my child canexperience various languages and cultures. Third, my child can play sports. Since my child can be better educated in the US, I will send him/her to study in the US. First of all, my child can learn English better in the US than in Korea. At school, my child will learn various subjects like Math, Science, Social Studies, Music, and Art in English. Doing so, he/she can talk and write about various topics in English. Then after school, my child will converse with others in English. This way, he/she will practice conversational English. Second of all, my child can experience various languages and cultures in the US. Unlike Korea, one can experience many different cultures and languages at a very close distance. For example, if my child wants to learn Vietnamese and their culture, he/she can go to the Vietnamese community and mingle there. If he/she wants to try the Italian cuisine, he/she can visit Little Italy. Moreover, there are many different ethnic festivals and ceremonies that my child can visit locally in the US. Thirdly, my child can play various sports in the US. Unlike most Korean schools, US schools have excellent sports facilities. For example, many schools have swimming pools, football fields, basketball gym, tennis courts, and many others. Moreover, these schools encourage students to play sports. However, most Korean schools do not have such fine sports facilities and they discourage students playing sports. US education can benefit my child in many ways. My child can master English, broaden his horizons, and become more physically strong. Therefore, if I could have my child educated in the US, I will not hesitate to send him/her abroad.
If I have an opportunity, I will have my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
educated in the US. There are three reasons for this.
First
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
English better. Second, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
Possible spelling mistake found.
canexperience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
languages and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
. Third, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
can play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. Since my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
can be better educated in the US, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
him/her to study in the US.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
English better in the US than in Korea. At
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
subjects like Math, Science, Social Studies, Music, and Art in English. Doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
he/she
can talk and write about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
topics in English. Then after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
will converse with others in English. This way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
he/she
will practice conversational English.

Second of all, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
can experience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
languages and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
in the US. Unlike Korea, one can experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and languages at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
close distance.
For example
, if my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
wants to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
Vietnamese and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
he/she
can go to the Vietnamese community and mingle there. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
he/she
wants to try the Italian cuisine,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
he/she
can visit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Little
Italy.
Moreover
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ethnic festivals and ceremonies that my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
can visit
locally
in the US.

Thirdly
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
can play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in the US. Unlike most Korean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, US
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have excellent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have swimming pools, football fields, basketball gym, tennis courts, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others.
Moreover
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
encourage students to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
However
, most Korean
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
do not have such fine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
facilities and
they discourage students playing sports.

US education can benefit my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways. My
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
can master English, broaden his horizons, and become more
physically
strong.
Therefore
, if I could have my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
educated in the US, I will not hesitate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
him/her abroad.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
45Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay If you have an opportunity to send your child to study abroad, would you have him/her educated in the US or in your home country? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
307 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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