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if you had a small amount of money, would you spend it right away or save it? use details and examples to support your explanation. v.1

if you had a small amount of money, would you spend it right away or save it? use details and examples to support your explanation. v. 1
In this world, there are so many distinct, highly paid Industries. Among these, Entertainment is the top most Institution where the people paid more. Some people feel that entertainers earn more. I can agree with the consent to some level, However, There are other areas where the employees earn more money. And other hand, there are a few employees who earning less than others despite of their work. In this essay, I will explain the reasons to lead more earnings in the Entertainment and the people who suffers to get a sufficient salary based on my experience and the knowledge. Firstly, there are different sectors in Entertainment such as Film, Media and Sports. One of the reasons for high payment is this area earning more in the market. Nowadays, due to the digital world, everyone using gadgets so that the people are nearer to this field. The human behaviour and thinking has been changed drastically since a decade. So the entertainment field has become strong in the market. Because of high growth in this field, the people who are working in this paid more by the respected Industries. For Instance, the south film industry is one of the top most industries in India. According to a recent survey, Last five years, this industry released the movies all over the country to make big collections. The Bahubali is the movie released world wide and collected more in the last year. The actors in the move got partnership than the payment. Especially, in this sector, not only earning within their work they have other sources to get money. For example, a hero or sportsmen get money from the advertisements, sponsorships and real time programs along with their regular work. Secondly, there are few jobs with less payment instead of the work. Even though these positions are critical and they sacrifice their life for the country, but they have very less income. For example, the soldiers are the first persons who did everything for the country without best salary. There are multiple government jobs with less stay fund and more work. In India still people are suffering from food, though they are working a lot. In the conclusion, the government has to decide the salaries depends on the work and have to provide the way for the employees to make the relative industry big. So that both the employees and the employer will succeed in the development of work and the finance.
In this world, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
distinct,
highly
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Industries
. Among these, Entertainment is the top most Institution where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
paid more.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel that entertainers earn more. I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the consent to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
level,
However
, There are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
areas where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
earn more money. And
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
than others
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. In this essay, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the reasons to lead more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earnings
in the Entertainment and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
Did you mean "suffer"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'people' should be used.
suffers
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a sufficient salary based on my experience and the knowledge.

Firstly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sectors in Entertainment such as Film, Media and Sports. One of the reasons for high payment is this area
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earning
more in the market. Nowadays, due to the digital world, everyone
The pronoun 'everyone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "uses", "used".
using
gadgets
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are nearer to this field. The human
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and thinking has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
drastically
since a decade.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the entertainment field has become strong in the market.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of high growth in this field, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are working in this paid more by the respected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Industries
.
For Instance
, the south film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
is one of the top most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
in India. According to a recent survey, Last five years, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
released the movies all over the country to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
collections. The
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bahubali
is the movie released
Did you mean "worldwide"?
world wide
and collected more in the last year. The actors in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
partnership than the payment.
Especially
, in this sector, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earning
within their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
they have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
sources to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
money.
For example
, a hero or sportsmen
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
money from the advertisements, sponsorships and real time programs along with their regular work.

Secondly
, there are few jobs with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
payment
instead
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Even though
these positions are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
critical and
they sacrifice their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
for the country,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
income.
For example
, the soldiers are the
first
persons
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
did everything for the country
A determiner is probably missing here: "without the best".
without best
salary. There are multiple
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
jobs with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
stay fund and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. In India
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are suffering from food, though they are working a lot.

In the conclusion, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
decide the salaries depends on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
provide the way for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the relative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
and the employer will succeed in the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and the finance.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay if you had a small amount of money, would you spend it right away or save it? use details and examples to support your explanation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
409 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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