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If you could study a subject that you have never had the opportunity to study, what would you choose? v.2

If you could study a subject that you have never had the opportunity to study, what would you choose? v. 2
If I would have the opportunity to study a subject I do not know yet I would choose to study the outer space. I have a Bachelor degree in Management and I like to have the possibilities to work in this field. However, I was always interested in the space exploration. I think, it is a very interesting and challenging job to work on a space ship, gathering different kinds of information, probes and specimens. Many people think that these kinds of experiments are a waste of money and time. Nevertheless, I believe that humankind is making steps forward by domesticating space. We need to know what is beyond our solar system. We need to know what is beyond our universe. Another important aspect of studying the space is that scientists are always about to make new discoveries there and they do them. I think it is a great feeling to give people new knowledge, opportunities and experience. Scientists often find and study new constellations, they launch satellites and monitor them from land. When I was a child I collected stamps and cards with a space subject and I dreamed that someday I would be able to make a flight into an outer space. However, my plans changed but my dream has not vanished. I believe that in a few years people will be able to visit the space just like they go to a museum now. To sum up, I think that studying a space would give me self-realization, more opportunities to grow and more goals to achieve.
If I
Consider removing 'would'. (Usually, 'would' does not occur in a conditional clause, unless to make a request or give a polite order.)
would have
the opportunity to study a subject I do not know
yet
I would choose to study the outer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
. I have a Bachelor degree in Management and I like to have the possibilities to work in this field.
However
, I was always interested in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
exploration.

I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
interesting and challenging job to work on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
ship, gathering
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of information, probes and specimens.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that these kinds of experiments are a waste of money and time.
Nevertheless
, I believe that humankind is making steps forward by domesticating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
. We need to know what is beyond our solar system. We need to know what is beyond our universe.

Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect of studying the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
is that scientists are always about to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new discoveries
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
there and
they do them. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
it is a great feeling to give
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
new knowledge, opportunities and experience. Scientists
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
find and study new constellations, they launch satellites and monitor them from land.

When I was a child I collected stamps and cards with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
subject and I dreamed that someday I would be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a flight into an outer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
.
However
, my plans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
my dream has not vanished. I believe that in a few years
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will be able to visit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like they go to a museum
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

To sum up, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that studying a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
would give me self-realization, more opportunities to grow and more goals to achieve.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay If you could study a subject that you have never had the opportunity to study, what would you choose? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
259 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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