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If you could make one important change in a school that you attended, what change would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer. v.1

If you could make one important change in a school that you attended, what change would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer. v. 1
1037-1118 Internet and television are becoming increasingly ubiquitous; however, their learning outcome is often argued about. While comparing them with reading as a medium of instruction, both parallels and contrasts can be found. I believe that in the context of learning, reading holds a far superior position compared to videos and television. Primarily, reading enhances reader's creativity. This means that in the absence of visual images, a person tries to imagine what he reads. One of my friends, who was very fond of reading, opened up her own school. This school encourages students to read and later make up a picture of their lessons to induce creative thinking. In only a few years since its inception, her educational institute has gained a prominent position. The children of same school participate in various international events and bring laurels to the country. All this is a result of reading culture promoted there. This personal example, stresses how reading induces creative minds. People advocating visual learning can be applauded for stressing the importance of technology for educational purposes. However, I hold the opinion that these programs are designed to engage viewers with their entertaining content, with less emphasis on knowledge delivery. Cartoon programs such as "Teen Titans" and viral videos including "Baby Shark" illustrate that television and videos posses minimum educational value. Do you think such content helps in imparting knowledge? Instead, it promotes aggression among viewers. This clearly dispels the notion that such technology can be used for educational purposes. To conclude, television or other video channels may have higher entertainment value, but using them as a source of knowledge is an extremely flawed suggestion. I am confident that these technological advancements fail to deliver creative and learning inducive content promised by books.
1037-1118

Internet and television are becoming
increasingly
ubiquitous;
however
, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
outcome is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued about. While comparing them with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
as a medium of instruction, both parallels and contrasts can
be found
. I believe that in the context of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
holds a far superior position compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
and television.

Primarily
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
enhances reader's creativity. This means that in the absence of visual images, a person tries to imagine what he reads. One of my friends, who was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
fond of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
, opened up her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
school. This school encourages students to read and later
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
up a picture of their lessons to induce creative thinking. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few years since its inception, her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
institute has gained a prominent position. The children of same school participate in various international
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and bring laurels to the country. All this is a result of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
culture promoted there. This personal example,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stresses
how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
induces creative minds.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
advocating visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
can
be applauded
for stressing the importance of technology for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
purposes.
However
, I hold the opinion that these programs
are designed
to engage viewers with their entertaining content, with less emphasis on knowledge delivery. Cartoon programs such as
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Teen Titans
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
and viral
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
including
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Baby Shark
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
illustrate that television and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
posses minimum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
value. Do you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
such content
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in imparting knowledge?
Instead
, it promotes aggression among viewers. This
clearly
dispels the notion that such technology can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
purposes.

To conclude
, television or other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
channels may have higher entertainment value,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
using them as a source of knowledge is an
extremely
flawed suggestion. I am confident that these technological advancements fail to deliver creative and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
Possible spelling mistake found.
inducive
content promised by books.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay If you could make one important change in a school that you attended, what change would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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