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If you could make one important change in the educational system of your country, what change would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer. v.1

If you could make one important change in the educational system of your country, what change would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer. v. 1
Currently, people all around the world have faced with the serious epidemic which is called Covid-19. Citizens are approached free health care from their goverment. This can have both positive and negative. On the one hand, supporting free health care is beneficial in some way. Firstly, one of the main benefits is that all citizens has approached to the same quality of care and treatments especially poor people. Medicine services and treatments are quite costly with people. In fact, expensive health care cost being from prescription charges and treatment cost prevents a great number of these people from meeting doctors to treat minor disease for a long time and their health certainly be worse. Secondly, the goverment can control the spread of illness and have diagnosis at the initial level. For example, thousands of people were kept away citizens area and then were taken care of by doctors, nurses, and military goverment. After a short- strict time, patients who were attacked by the virus have been got rid of the disease. On the other hand, there are some disadvantages of free medical services and treatments. The goverment invested the amount of money for supporting their citizens, therefore, the budget is nearly scarcity. It makes an important effect to another field that need to be supplied such as education, foreign- economics or culture. Another problem is that the lack of doctors, trained nurses can have a detrimental effect on the quality of medical centres frequently overload with patients. It means that doctor has met and took care of many cases continually. It is hard to focus on one person. Additionally, medical staffs have to work long time and nurse a large number of people. In conclusion, free health care has both advantages and disadvantages. National authority should motivate beneficial in effective ways.
Currently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
all around the world have faced with the serious epidemic which
is called
Covid-19.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Citizens
are approached
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
from their
Possible spelling mistake found.
goverment
. This can have both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.

On the one hand, supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
is beneficial in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
way.
Firstly
, one of the main benefits is that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
has approached to the same quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatments
especially
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Medicine services and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatments
are quite costly with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In fact, expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
cost being from prescription charges and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
cost
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
a great number of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from meeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
to treat minor disease for a long time and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
certainly
be worse.
Secondly
, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
goverment
can control the spread of illness and have diagnosis at the initial level.
For example
, thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
away
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
area and then
were taken
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
, nurses, and military
Possible spelling mistake found.
goverment
. After a short- strict time, patients who
were attacked
by the virus have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
rid of the disease.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
medical services and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatments
. The
Possible spelling mistake found.
goverment
invested the amount of money for supporting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
citizens
,
therefore
, the budget is
nearly
scarcity. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
effect to another field that need to
be supplied
such as education, foreign- economics or culture. Another problem is that the lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
, trained nurses can have a detrimental effect on the quality of medical
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
frequently
overload with patients. It means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctor
has met and took
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases
continually
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to focus on one person.
Additionally
, medical staffs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work long time and nurse
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
has both advantages and disadvantages. National authority should motivate beneficial in effective ways.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay If you could make one important change in the educational system of your country, what change would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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