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which one is better in your opinion? it is better to the governments spend as much money as possible exploring outer space like traveling to the moon or other planets, or they should spend this money for our basic needs on Earth. v.1

which one is better in your opinion? it is better to the governments spend as much money as possible exploring outer space like traveling to the moon or other planets, or they should spend this money for our basic needs on Earth. v. 1
Most of the people get to decide their career goal in a tender age. Many believe that, advance decision making brings success and contentment. According to me, every person should get an opportunity to explore the available options before making a conclusion, regardless of the topic. This essay will elaborate my view and, methods for a satisfying work life. As per an article in the Times of India, only 27% of the population are leading a happy work life and, immature verdict regarding their profession, is the reason behind this. Every person is uniquely talented but hardly any, pursue it as their calling. For example, few might excel in arts such as dance, music, painting others in technology or in philosophy, but they end up working as an engineer or a doctor. Countless adults, commit suicide each day because of the dissatisfaction in their jobs. Although, they reap profits because of their work, they struggle every day to obtain pride from what they do. Juveniles, have to get a chance to know their passion, after being introduced to a plethora of available options, before choosing one. Extra curricula have to be included as part of the curriculum. Students excelling in certain areas, can receive special coaching, which helps them to excel further. Moreover, societal pressures to take up only the traditional career options should be declined. C. E. O of KFC started his entrepreneurial journey at the age of 60, proving that it is unnecessary to fix a path at a young age. In order to cherish multiple career options and to lead a pleasurable living, I conclude saying that, it is not mandatory for youth to finalize their future. Government and also individuals should also make an effort to grab the life they wish to live.
Most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to decide their career goal in a tender age.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
believe that, advance
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
brings success and contentment.
This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
, every person should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an opportunity to explore the available
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
options
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
making a conclusion, regardless of the topic. This essay will elaborate my view and, methods for a satisfying work life.

As per an article in
If the term is a proper noun, use the suggested capitalization.
the Times of India
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
27% of the population are leading a happy work life and, immature verdict regarding their profession, is the reason behind this. Every person is
uniquely
talented
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
hardly any, pursue it as their calling.
For example
,
Possible agreement error. The noun might seems to be uncountable; consider using: "little might".
few might
excel in arts such as dance, music, painting others in technology or in philosophy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up working as an engineer or a doctor. Countless adults, commit suicide each day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the dissatisfaction in their jobs. Although, they reap profits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their work, they struggle every day to obtain pride from what they do.

Juveniles,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to know their passion, after
being introduced
to a plethora of available
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
options
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
choosing one. Extra curricula
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be included
as part of the curriculum. Students excelling in certain areas, can receive special coaching, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to excel
further
.
Moreover
, societal pressures to take up
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the traditional career
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
options
should
be declined
. C. E. O of KFC
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
his entrepreneurial journey at the age of 60, proving that it is unnecessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
a path at a young age.

In order to cherish multiple career
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
options
and to lead a pleasurable living, I conclude saying that, it is not mandatory for youth to finalize their future.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
and
also
individuals should
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an effort to grab the life they wish to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay which one is better in your opinion? it is better to the governments spend as much money as possible exploring outer space like traveling to the moon or other planets, or they should spend this money for our basic needs on Earth. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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