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If you could invent something new, what product would youdevelop? Use specific details to explain why this invention is needed v.1

If you could invent something new, what product would youdevelop? Use specific details to explain why this invention is needed v. 1
In the recent time the senior citizens tend to leave their home and live in an old people's home. While there are two merits for grandparents to stay in a nursing home, there are also demerits for leaving their home. Both advantages and disadvantages will be explained in this essay. On one hand, a care home provides psychological and medical attention to grandfathers and grandmothers. First, it posses mental supervision as it sometimes presents different activities for a group of people from the same generation to participate in non governmental organisations or charities to help other citizens; as a result, they appreciate the value of what they are doing. The second benefit is the physical health protection, there is a 24 hour doctor present in the place to recognize any sudden illness, so he helps them to recover. This can be witnessed by an article that was written in the Egyptian Gazette, which says that 75 percent of older people who stay in nursing homes live more than those who stay at their families. It is believed that getting out from home at the older age is better for health than staying at home. On the other hand, one of the demerits is the cost of these caring-home is high, as the retirement funds cannot be sufficient to cover the needs of these places. Furthermore, when the older folks enter these communities, they get far away from their relatives which led to a generation gap between them; making the feeling between the seniors and their grandchildren more harder and causes loneliness. According to a research carried out in Britain, it was discovered that 80 percent of grandparents staying in nursing homes be affected by aloneness. As we can see, staying alone without their families can cause mental problems. In conclusion, after the essay has shown the advantages and disadvantages of the nursing home, it is believed that it is important to take care for our forefather even if they were in care hospitality, we should visit them regularly.
In the recent time the senior citizens tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their home and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's home. While there are two merits for grandparents to stay in a nursing home, there are
also
demerits for leaving their home.

Both advantages and disadvantages will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
in this essay.

On one hand, a care home provides psychological and medical attention to grandfathers and grandmothers.
First
,
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'it'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
it posses
mental supervision as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
presents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
activities for a group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from the same generation to participate in
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
non governmental
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
or charities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
other citizens;
as a result
, they appreciate the value of what they are doing. The second benefit is the physical health protection, there is a
When a number forms part of an adjectival compound, use a hyphen: "24-hour"
24 hour
doctor present in the place to recognize any sudden illness,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to recover. This can
be witnessed
by an article that
was written
in the Egyptian Gazette, which says that 75 percent of older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who stay in nursing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more than those who stay at their families. It
is believed
that getting out from home at the older age is better for health than staying at home.

On the other hand
, one of the demerits is the cost of these caring-home is high, as the retirement funds cannot be sufficient to cover the needs of these places.
Furthermore
, when the older folks enter these communities, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
far away from their relatives which led to a generation gap between them; making the feeling between the seniors and their grandchildren
Use only "harder" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more harder
and causes loneliness. According to
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
carried out in Britain, it
was discovered
that 80 percent of grandparents staying in nursing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by
Possible spelling mistake found.
aloneness
. As we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, staying alone without their families can cause mental problems.

In conclusion
, after the essay has shown the advantages and disadvantages of the nursing home, it
is believed
that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to take care for our forefather even if they were in care hospitality, we should visit them
regularly
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
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IELTS essay If you could invent something new, what product would youdevelop? Use specific details to explain why this invention is needed v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
338 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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