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/if you could invent something new what product would you develope? use specific details why this invention is needed? v.1

/if you could invent something new what product would you develope? use specific details why this invention is needed? v. 1
Nowadays there is an increasing number of workers that do not exercise on a regular basis, resulting in the rise of health problems among that group. This essay will indicate possible causes for that trend and present available solutions to tackle it. There are many reasons for citizens not seeing exercising as a compelling activity. To begin with, those who work generally spend a couple of hours daily to commute between their workplace and their homes. For example, in a big metropolitan area such as São Paulo, it is not unusual for people to spend over 2 hours, each way, driving or taking public transit. As a result, workers do not have enough free time to dedicate to leisure or health activities. Another reason is related to the culture around gym environments; most people feel frightened to go the gym because they are ashamed of their bodies. Among the feasible solutions to tackle this matter is a trending policy within big corporations that encourages their employees to work at home once or twice a week. This strategy allows for workers to recover some time for themselves, and most importantly, reduces the amount of stress acumulated throughout the week. Consequently, the reduction in stress levels actually increases the likelihood of people spending that time with physical activities. Moreover, employees can also combine the need to commute with a healthy habit by riding their bikes to to work, dramatically increasing their exercising levels. In conclusion, people have been struggling to find time and motivation to exercise, due to lack of available time and shame of their bodies. Companies can help their employees to overcome this scenario by encouraging them to use their commute time as an opportunity for exercising and introducing policies that give them some time back.
Nowadays there is an increasing number of workers that do not exercise on a regular basis, resulting in the rise of health problems among that group. This essay will indicate possible causes for that trend and present available solutions to tackle it.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons for citizens not seeing exercising as a compelling activity. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, those who work
generally
spend a couple of hours daily to commute between their workplace and their homes.
For example
, in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
metropolitan area such as São Paulo, it is not unusual for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to spend over 2 hours, each way, driving or taking public transit.
As a result
, workers do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to dedicate to leisure or health activities. Another reason
is related
to the culture around gym environments; most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel frightened to go the gym
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are ashamed
of their bodies.

Among the feasible solutions to tackle this matter is a trending policy within
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
corporations that encourages their employees to work at home once or twice a week. This strategy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
for workers to recover
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for themselves, and most
importantly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
Possible spelling mistake found.
acumulated
throughout the week.
Consequently
, the reduction in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
levels actually increases the likelihood of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spending that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with physical activities.
Moreover
, employees can
also
combine the need to commute with a healthy habit by riding their bikes
Possible typo: you repeated a word
to to
work,
dramatically
increasing their exercising levels.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been struggling to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and motivation to exercise, due to lack of available
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and shame of their bodies.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Companies
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their employees to overcome this scenario by encouraging them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their commute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
as an opportunity for exercising and introducing policies that give them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
back.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay /if you could invent something new what product would you develope? use specific details why this invention is needed? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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