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If you could invent something, what would you invent? Give specific reasons as to why your invention would be important. v.2

If you could invent something, what would you invent? Give specific reasons as to why your invention would be important. v. 2
These days cancer has become a dangerous threat to the world. Every year more and more people are dying because of cancer. Being a researcher, in the biology field, I will invent an affordable medical diagnosis technology for cancer and its treatment as well. I have several reasons to support my answer which I will explain below. First of all, There are methodologies for diagnosis of cancer but not affordable to everyone. I remember one such incident. I know, a farmer who lives very nearby my house. He got to know that his daughter has skin cancer, she was in the early stage of the disease. She could have to save survived if her father could afford medical treatment. Just because of the high price of medicine and radiation technology, he could not have saved her daughter. When I knew this news my heart gets broken down after feeling the guilt and pain of her father. Then I decided to do the research in the cancer field and invent affordable treatment. Furthermore, I would like to convey that cancer has is now a treatable disease if it identifies in the early stage. However, a problem is the diagnosis before it gets into the later stage. This disease did not give any noticeable symptoms which makes it difficult to identify. I would like to make some genetic tools to fix this problem. Knowing the genetic sequence befoe hand will be good way to know the disease. My attempt here is to make a machine which will take a blood sample from everyone and it will explain the future diseases if anybody could have it. In this people get a huge time to save their life. In conclusion, time is very crucial for the treatment of cancer and affordability as well. Therefore I will do research to discover the affordable and early diagnostic technique and treatment of this disease.
These
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "days'" or "day's"?
days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cancer
has become a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
threat to the world. Every year more and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are dying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cancer
. Being a researcher, in the biology field, I will invent an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affordable
medical diagnosis technology for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cancer
and its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
as well
. I have several reasons to support my answer which I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
below.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, There are methodologies for diagnosis of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cancer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affordable
to everyone. I remember one such incident. I know, a farmer who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
nearby my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. He
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
to know that his daughter has skin
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cancer
, she was in the early stage of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
. She could
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
save survived if her father could afford medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the high price of medicine and radiation technology, he could not have saved her daughter. When I knew this news my heart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
broken down after feeling the guilt and pain of her father. Then I decided to do the research in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cancer
field and invent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affordable
treatment.

Furthermore
, I would like to convey that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cancer
has is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
a treatable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
if it identifies in the early stage.
However
, a problem is the diagnosis
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
into the later stage. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
did not give any noticeable symptoms which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it difficult to identify. I would like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
genetic tools to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
this problem. Knowing the genetic sequence
Possible spelling mistake found.
befoe
hand will be
Please check whether an article is missing: "a good".
good
way to know the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
. My attempt here is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a machine which will take a blood sample from everyone and it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
if anybody could have it. In this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a huge time to save their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
.

In conclusion
, time is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cancer
and affordability
as well
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
I will do research to discover the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affordable
and early diagnostic technique and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay If you could invent something, what would you invent? Give specific reasons as to why your invention would be important. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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